


from the first day to the last one

by yellowpostitman



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, LET'S GET IT, M/M, Post-Break Up, Road Trips, brian is stupid, he's called brian here, how do i even tag, jae is Stupid, wonpil is our hero
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2019-10-18 08:57:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17577809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowpostitman/pseuds/yellowpostitman
Summary: Brian and Jae broke up three months ago and a road trip with the said ex was the last fucking thing Jae needed.





	1. The First Day

**Author's Note:**

> i am back, with a chaptered and an ongoing fic so godbless me i hope i won't be too lazy to update this. this one's loosely based on days gone by and hi hello. enjoy reading.

No amount of anything would hinder Wonpil’s love of beaches—which was one of the main reasons why on some days (especially today) Jae just wanted to shove him inside a box and momentarily forget about his existence. _It’s too tempting sometimes, if only he wasn’t a kind human being with morals, if only._

 

You see, the situation’s like this.

 

Brian and Jae broke up three months ago. It was a clean break up, Brian explained why he didn’t love Jae anymore. Jae found it reasonable—of course Brian would eventually get tired of someone as plain and as boring as Jae. _Of fucking course,_ he would prioritize his studies abroad (a sort of exchange program Brian never even told him about) more than Jae because it made sense. He couldn’t exactly ask Brian to still love him despite the latter’s lost of interest with him, that’d be too pathetic of him. He couldn’t ask Brian to stay with him and cost him his future, that’d be too selfish of him. He’d be subjecting both of them into an endless suffering—him loving Brian even though the person he initially loved wasn’t there anymore, and Brian having to put up an act around Jae.

 

It was hopeless.

 

They did say they would remain friends but Jae called bullshit. The amount of tension, pain (on Jae’s part mostly) and awkwardness between the two of them just wasn’t worth the alleged _friendship_. Jae couldn’t just look him in the eye and not see Brian’s mid thrust face, or his fond face (both’s a good sight by the way).

 

Which was exactly why this trip needed to be cancelled. It’s a bad plan—a shit one that Wonpil made to get back at him (for all the times Jae replaced his toothpaste with glue). That _must_ be it. Jae refuse to spend a week with his ex boyfriend. Don't get him wrong he’s not bitter, _nope._ It’s just all too fresh for the five of them to hang out like they used to back when Jae and Brian were still together. Aside for the fact that Brian Kang’s going to be there, he also didn’t want to be at the hearing end of Wonpil’s moans when he and Dowoon inevitably fucks in the middle of the week.

 

Jae _needed_ to do something before this plan happens.

 

“Wonpillie—” He approached the younger who was hunched over the table of the cafe, happily tapping away on his phone. Jae saw him looking for some hotels on Jeju Island a while ago, while he himself was busy with ordering their drinks. He _hoped_ that Wonpil haven’t found anything yet because when he does, it’s a done deal and none of them could ever change his mind.

 

Not even Dowoon and that’s saying something.

 

Before he could speak though or even lay out his case (about how miserable this week’s going to be for him) Wonpil leveled him a stare—one that said _“I don’t call your bullshit, Jae.”_ or something along the lines of, _“Nice try, maybe next time when I’m feeling generous.”_ There goes his well thought out speech.

 

Jae’s feeling murderous right now.

 

“I am saying no to whatever you’re going to propose, you’re not getting out of this _Jaehyungie_.” Wonpil smiled at him—that kind of sickly sweet smile that made Jae want to punch him square in the face.

 

“Oh fuck you.”

 

He frustratingly ran his hands through his now blue hair (he dyed it when he and Brian broke up because the blond made him sick to his stomach) and glared at the snake in front of him who looked too happy to be witnessing Jae’s misery and internal conflict.

 

Seeing Brian wasn’t all _that_ new. He definitely bumped into him on multiple occasions (seeing as they’re studying on the same university) whenever he’s on his way to his next class (he returned from Canada a month ago). He even ate at the same restaurant as him two days ago, of course with different group of friends—he was with Kevin and Jimin while Brian was with Jinyoung and Jaebum.

 

But those were different because he didn’t have to talk to Brian. Their eyes would meet, yes. Awkward smiles would be exchanged, yes. But no actual conversation occurred and that’s the only thing that’s keeping Jae’s image kind of sane around Brian. Also, it’s not as though he was actively trying to ignore the younger. Wonpil’s planned trips have always been just a bit on the _wild_ side to say the least.

 

Take all of these instances into consideration.

 

Their first trip to Busan ended with Wonpil and Dowoon accidentally having sex—thankfully it resulted into both of them admitting the feelings they were harbouring for each other for _five fucking years_ .  On the same night Brian stripped naked and danced _sexily_ in front of Jae to the tune of Stop by Jamelia. And _God_ , Jae thought he died that night and mysteriously appeared on a world where Brian Kang was fucking stripping for him and doing _body rolls._

 

That night ended with _well_ some great sex, considering they were boyfriends that time. It had too many drinks and too many stupid decisions for Jae to risk another outing like that.

 

The second time they went out involved some weed on a small seedy apartment in Amsterdam. Wonpil thought it’d be a good idea to go out of the country and they were all foolish enough to agree. Let’s just say they started the night inside the apartment but Jae woke up next to a _topless_ Brian at Magere Brug. The people gave them weird stares but that’s about it, it was Amsterdam after all.

 

And the last trip they had was a month before Jae and Brian broke up. They decided to spontaneously drive to Gyeopongdae to see the cherry blossoms in full bloom that spring (and also to swim thanks to Wonpil’s tireless fascination with beaches).

 

Jae won’t count that last trip as wild. Instead, whenever he looked back to that certain memory he couldn’t help the pain that spreads throughout him. It would always start with a small spark inside his chest until it reached the very tips of his fingers.

 

Before they left Gyeopongdae, both he and Brian decided to stay up to watch the sunrise that was also a famous sight in that place. There were remnants of the petals that fell from the trees all around the place. It added a softer glow to the unusual heavy ambiance between the two of them.

 

As they waited for the sun to rise, they were lying beside each other on the fine sand, not caring whether the small particles get into their hair or dig into their skins. What mattered at that very moment was how tight Brian was holding unto him, his arms wrapped around Jae’s waist as he leaned forward to rest his head on Jae’s back—as if he’s afraid that Jae would vanish in front of him. What mattered at that particular moment was how soft Brian’s lips were as it moved gently—so fucking gently against his. Jae felt so loved that night, he was falling all over again for the purple haired boy who had very bright eyes in front of him.  

 

As the sun rose, so did Brian’s lips. It formed the smile that Jae was so used to seeing by now but never did appreciate more than he did at that moment. Brian at that very moment leaned in to get another kiss from him. It was just a soft brush of lips against lips but it brought back the butterflies inside his stomach. He couldn’t help but smile in between their kiss and in return Brian did too.

 

He held Brian’s cheek as he opted to rest his forehead against the younger’s. The sun rose around them coating the rest of the place in a soft shade of orange. It complimented Brian’s smiling face well and Jae couldn’t help but just _fall._

 

“I love you.” He whispered. He feared that raising his voice would break the serene peace they found for what felt like months of wandering around a lifeless forest.

 

“I love you too.” Brian replied, still with that smile on his face.

 

Jae always thought that _that moment_ changed things between them. Jae found the lost love he had for Brian but of course that had to be the end of it.

 

Brian never did found his love for Jae.

 

Looking back on all of that, _Jae’s fear wasn’t misplaced, okay?_

 

A cough brought him out of his thoughts. _Speak of the devil (snake in this case) and he shall make himself known._ He didn’t even notice the fact that he was already daydreaming. His thoughts betrayed him once again and brought him back to Brian, _always_ Brian.

 

“Did you say something?” He asked Wonpil who was smiling knowingly. Jae avoided his stare and instead gazed at the people passing by them. He refused to succumb to another round of endless teasing from the snake in human form, Wonpil.

 

“I just said I’ve decided where I want us to have this trip—” He had a smug smile on his face and Jae was seriously contemplating whether he should just strangle him and get on with or he should just throw the contents of his steaming mug of coffee on Wonpil’s ugly face.

 

“Bold of you to assume I’d come. Did everyone even agree to this?” He asked. He occasionally heard from Sungjin because they would always text each other (mostly on Jae’s part because Sungjin’s notes are _very_ organized) but it had been a long while since they went out for drinks.

 

Jae (kind of) lost contact with the rest of them when he and Brian broke up. It wasn’t a conscious decision per se—it’s just, being together with them reminded him a lot of his and Brian’s times together. It was also odd to be with them when Brian wasn’t around—it felt emptier. Whenever Wonpil would throw a joke around no one would grunt with him and sympathetically pat him on his back (knowing that Jae seriously couldn’t take Wonpil sometimes), or coo with him whenever Dowoon did something remotely cute, or tease Sungjin for being such a mother.

 

It was shit of him and he was harshly reminded of that when Wonpil straight up walked to him and told him how much of an asshole he was for leaving them _too_.

 

That’s when Jae realized the fact that it wasn’t just him who was left by Brian. Wonpil, Dowoon, and Sungjin all got left behind too although it probably didn’t hurt as much as Jae’s pain. That’s when he tried reaching out to them again, feeling sorry for being such an asshole.

 

He shouldn’t have reconciled with Wonpil though if he knew this was how it’s going to end.

 

 _‘This lying piece of snake, how dare he betray me like this?’_ Jae thought.

 

“Of course they did, as if anyone can say no to me.” His voice held pride and Jae wanted to choke him with it.

 

“I _am_ saying no though—”

 

“I’m sorry what? I can’t hear anything over the sound of your bullshit.” Wonpil sing songed as he scrolled through his phone once more.

 

Jae wanted to jump down the nearest bridge or push Wonpil off the said bridge, he’s not exactly picky at this point. Wonpil sometimes knew just how to fucking annoy him. But he really needed to be serious here, he needed to make Wonpil know just how much of a grave situation this would be for Jae.

 

“I am serious though, aren’t you the slightest bit worried that Brian and I would make this whole trip just weird?” He sighed, defeated. Jae wanted this trip to happen too but it’s all too early. Too fresh and still too fucking painful (not that he’d say that out loud, he did not practice his i’m-okay-face just to fail this time).

 

“Hyung.” That tone meant Wonpil was serious too. Good, an actual conversation might just happen between the two of them.

 

“You and Brian hyung could never make this group any weirder than it already is.”

 

There goes his hope.

 

“Not that kind of weird you idiot, I meant—” Wonpil chuckled before he cutted Jae off.

 

“I know what you mean. You two broke up yada yada let me just say one thing though _hyung_ .” He smiled. Jae found it comforting for some reason, because Wonpil’s smile was full of reassurance—as if he’s _that_ sure everything would work out fine. Jae wouldn’t say any of this in front of him though, god knows the younger didn’t need more words that would blow his already big head off.

 

“You and Brian gravitate towards each other that I feel like no amount of break up or fights would effectively end your relationship with him, platonic or not. I know you two broke up but I just get this feeling that this trip would help the both of you—Towards another chance? Towards a proper ending? I’m not sure of that I just felt like you’d both finally get your answers.” There was no hint of mockery in his voice and Jae’s grateful for that. At that same exact moment, Wonpil’s phone rang so he left a dumbfounded and confused Jae inside the cafe as he answered the call he got from Dowoon.

 

Jae didn’t know what to feel about Wonpil’s words. He wanted to believe the younger but seeing as his and Brian’s break up _did_ in fact broke the two’s treasured relationship, he found it a bit doubtful.

 

He couldn’t shake off the nervousness and anxiety that’s building up inside him with just the thought of seeing Brian everyday for a week again. It had been hard but he thinks he’s almost there, he’s almost forgetting the pain. A few more months maybe.

 

He heard heavy _sets_ of footsteps behind him so he took a look at Wonpil who was holding hands with Dowoon with a smiling Sungjin trailing after them.

 

Jae was surprised but he stood up nonetheless and greeted Dowoon who waved at him and gave Sungjin a pat in the back.

 

“I guess this snake here called you over to talk about that pain in the ass trip he wanted to have?” He asked the two who just arrived. Dowoon was sitting beside Wonpil, _of course he was_ while Bob was at the other end of the table. Jae was about to ask why Sungjin didn’t just sit beside him when a new set of footsteps flooded his ears.

 

A new sense of dread cloaked him. _Please tell me it’s not him._ He was trying to catch Wonpil’s eyes which was fixated at whoever’s entering the cafe at this very moment.

 

Jae wanted to kneel down and pray to whoever’s willing to listen to his pleads _‘Please don’t be Brian!’_

 

“Hello, you guys.” Then came the slow drawl of his voice. _Brian’s_ voice. Jae’s ears were assaulted by that deep smooth voice he tried so hard to forget in a span of two months. Joke’s on him though because he could still pinpoint Brian’s voice in the middle of a shouting crowd.

 

That’s how fucking awful this situation was.

 

The three all greeted him back with different variations of ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ and Jae could see the happiness behind their eyes. Brian left abruptly and Jae knew it must have took a toll on everyone else too. Seeing him here, alive and well, probably eased their worries.

 

“Jae, hi.” He stiffened at the mention of his name. He thought that by refusing to acknowledge his presence, Brian would let him be. But he seemed to have forgotten Brian’s stubbornness. He must have seen Jae’s ignorance as a challenge. _This fucking idiot_.

 

He braced himself before plastering a smile on his face, he turned around to take a proper look at Brian.

 

“Hello, Brian.”

 

When his eyes landed on the owner’s voice nothing could have prepared him at the sight of his clearly good looking ex boyfriend smiling at him, donning a striped button up partnered with black jeans, his hair dyed from purple to black.

 

Brian _still_ looked so fucking good it hurts to even look at him.

 

“Brian, take a seat.” Sungjin decided to interrupt the ex boyfriends’ sort of stare down. Brian was the first one to drift his gaze from Jae to Sungjin before giving the elder a smile. He slowly walked towards the only available seat in the table which so happened to be by Jae’s side. He leveled everyone a glare to which they only replied with their own variations of a _smug_ smile.

 

_Annoying brats._

 

It was fucking quiet, _and_ awkward, _and_ everything Jae hates in an atmosphere. He was trying to communicate his frustrations to Wonpil but the damn snake didn’t even budge—still too fucking happy he managed to trick Jae into this.

 

“So what now, liar?” He decided to fuck it, fuck _all of it_. If there’s something Jae hates more than Wonpil right now it’d be silence. Wonpil chuckled at the dripping annoyance on Jae’s voice.

 

“Ease up, Jae.” An unwelcome touch on his shoulder made him flinch, he quickly glared at Brian who proceeded to chuckle at the jumpy Jae.

 

“Excuse me, Mr. I-love-Canada I believe I wasn’t talking to you?” Jae kind of loosened up knowing that Brian wasn’t as mad or even awkward as he expected he would be. Yes, he felt relief _but also_ pain because it felt like the break up didn’t even happen or they weren’t even together. This was _Brian and Jae_ , bestfriends edition. Maybe Wonpil was right, Brian was too kind to let something as measly as their break up to ruin everyone’s dynamics.

 

“Oh shut up Jae, look Wonpil’s dying to talk about his plans.” Brian let his hand that was resting on Jae’s shoulder fall on the table in front of him, shifting his body so that he was facing Wonpil and everyone else. Jae remained quiet at that and instead roamed his eyes around the table. Sungjin was smiling at the both of them with that motherly smile of his that tended to surface out whenever he’s proud or something. Jae honestly felt as if Sungjin’s actually older than him—and it’s not because he and Brian tend to prank to everyone on their spare (and bored) times. He just seemed so mature and put together—so different from Jae’s messy life. His eyes moved towards the youngest of the group.

 

Dowoon was looking at Wonpil with adoration in his eyes. Jae honestly couldn’t believe how long it took the both of them to confess to each other. There had been pretty obvious times like that one time Wonpil got drunk and was about to say something along the lines of “I love you” if only he didn’t pass out before the word love was uttered. If that trip didn’t happen Jae had no doubts the two would still be walking around each other with their tongues tied. But it’s amazing, because even though it took them longer to get together they’d be celebrating their second anniversary next month. Jae and Brian on the other hand had been together for five years before they broke up. Nothing’s a sure thing in this world anymore, Jae sincerely hoped these two would stay together longer than he and Brian had—if only to restore his faith in love.

 

His eyes then fell to the last man in the room (let’s not even talk about Wonpil, in Jae’s world he doesn’t exist right now). His chin was resting on his palm as he attentively listened to Wonpil. If Jae remembered correctly, that’s the exact trait that made him fall in love with Brian. You see, no one really _listens_ to him because most of the time he’d ramble about the randomest things his mind could come up with—a show he found on the television, a buzzfeed article he just read, a reddit post that got him interested. The three knew how to block out his voice by now.

 

Then came Brian who was so _so attentive._ His eyes would never leave Jae’s unless he’s closing them because he’s laughing at whatever bullshit Jae just spouted. He’d let Jae ramble on and on and would even encourage him when the older would falter because he realized how noisy he’d gotten.

 

Brian was smiling and nodding along to an excited Wonpil’s plans. Jae resisted the urge to just grab his spare hand like he always used to whenever his brain would drift to thoughts of Brian and how perfect he was. He also resisted the urge to tuck the strand of hair that made its way in front of Brian’s eyes. The younger blinked repeatedly because the said strand of hair managed to graze his eyes. He rubbed his eyes a bit too harsh for Jae’s liking so he grabbed Brian’s hands to stop him from rubbing so furiously.

 

“You’re going to take your eyes out like that, _Bri._ ” Jae didn’t even realize he let the nickname slip. Brian froze in front of him while he checked the younger’s eye out, occasionally blowing air to rid Brian’s eye of any dirt or irritation. When he was done checking Brian’s eyes that’s when he only realized what the fuck he did.

 

He immediately let go of Brian’s hands that he didn’t even realize he was clutching. He could feel everyone’s piercing stares directed at him and it made him anxious. He fidgeted with the gold frame of his glasses willing all their concerns away.

 

“Uh, Wonpil what was that again?” Brian’s voice filled the air and at this everyone shifted their gazes at him. Jae felt the tight hold on his chest loosen. He raised his head only to be greeted by Brian’s soft smile.

 

 _‘Right, he knew._ _Of course he would. After all, he’s the one who would help me calm down before.’_

 

He gave him a small smile in return before turning his attention to the topic at hand.

 

“—I don’t want to take too much of your time, I know you’re all busy so I decided that out of the country won’t be possible this time around, Hawaii could have been fun. Either way, I found this cool beach by Gangwon-do and they also celebrate this sort of Sunrise Festival. I was thinking we could spend our week there, I’ve made the necessary reservations too.” Everyone in the table seemed to have no complaints except for Jae—he’s still adamant on not making this happen.

 

“I’d have to skip out of this one—” At this everyone’s attention returned to him. He could see disappointment clouding Sungjin’s eyes while Dowoon and Wonpil looked like they didn’t buy his bullshit. Of course they won’t, they had been at the receiving end of a drunken Jae’s tears and love confessions. The two of them were the only reason why Brian hadn’t receive any of his drunk calls. _Thank God_.

 

“Why?” It was Brian who asked the question he dreaded the most. Dreaded yes, because he didn’t have an actual solid reason to skip out of this one. He couldn’t exactly say that he just didn’t feel like going because that would signify that’s he’s avoiding Brian resulting to him looking like someone who’s immature—someone who’s bitter and couldn’t move on (okay there’s some truth to that but Jae would die first before anyone finds out how he actually feels).

 

He’d never want to put any burden on Brian’s shoulders. He would rather act okay than guilt trip the younger into avoiding any of their friends just so Jae could breathe easily. He sometimes hated how considerate Brian was. It made him feel like shit for still feeling like _this._

 

“I... have a song project due in a... month for one of my classes, I haven’t written shit man. I don’t want to fail or fall behind more than I do right now.” To be fair, there’s some truth to that. Jae did have a song writing project and he didn’t have shit to write but the due date wasn't next month but next semester. _He just really needed to get out of this_.

 

He chuckled to lighten up the significantly heavier mood. It didn’t sit well with him that everyone obviously look disheartened at the fact that Jae couldn’t make it. He wanted to take back his words but everytime his eyes fell to the man beside him, Brian who’s fidgeting with the straw of his iced coffee, he couldn’t help the sharp pang that his heart felt. Jae wouldn’t make it out alive if he’s going to come with them. He just knew it.

 

After a few minutes of silence, Jae was ready to excuse himself so that he could have his own crying session for being such a shit friend. But Dowoon perked up and banged his fist repeatedly on the table, gaining everyone’s attention.

 

“What if Brian hyung helps you?” Dowoon’s eyes held a knowing sparkle within them. Jae could feel the dread slowly swallow him. _Oh no._ Wonpil’s eyes widened and so did Sungjin’s as they realized what Dowoon’s words meant.

 

“Yes! Brian,” Sungjin addressed the dumbfounded boy beside Jae.

 

“You still write, right?” Jae lost all hope and just banged his head on the table. He’s got no way out of this. They all sounded too happy, Jae couldn’t bring himself to ruin their moods once again. _Fuck Kim Wonpil._

 

“Uhm, yeah? Occasionally? I don’t think what I’d written though would be good enough for Jae’s project.” Jae refused to look at any of them, he’s just going to wait for this table to swallow his head then perhaps his body right after. Yes, that sounds like a good plan.

 

“Bullshit, you’ve always written great lyrics. Remember that latest one, You Were Beautiful—” Wonpil gasped and at this Jae lifted his head from the table. The younger was avoiding his eyes. _Oh_ , Brian went back to writing again.

 

_Does that mean he’s seeing someone again?_

 

“What Wonpil’s trying to say is, Brian hyung you’re a great lyricist. I’m sure Jae hyung would appreciate your help especially if he’s having a hard time.” Dowoon saved his boyfriend’s ass to which Wonpil looked immensely grateful for.

 

“I’m down for it if Jae is.” Brian glanced at him. His eyes held a hint of doubt in them and it made Jae want to jump in the middle of the road and let the cars passing by just decide his fate for him. He knew that if he returns Brian’s gaze all the protest would leave his mouth. He knew that if he turned to look at the hopeful Sungjin behind Brian, he’d feel bad for saying no. He knew that if he looked at Dowoon and his pout he would agree to writing with Brian.

 

But he also knew that if his eyes landed to Wonpil, he’d strangle the fuck out of that snake.

 

He let out a deep sigh before standing up.

 

“Okay, fine.” He grabbed his cup of coffee before making his way towards the door. No one tried to stop him from going out and it was better that way, they all must have felt the strange aura radiating off Jae.

 

_‘Yeah feel my fucking wrath and confusion.’_

 

“Email me the rest of the details, I’ve got a class to catch losers.” Wonpil nodded happily as he wrapped his arms around Dowoon’s. Sungjin waved at him while Brian—Brian gently smiled at him and gestured for him to go, knowing full well how Jae hates being late to all sorts of events.

 

When he reached a safe distance from the cafe he let the smile slip from his face. He adjusted the golden frame of his glasses from his face and threw away the now empty cup of coffee. In just a few minutes, a lot of shit happened and it made his head spin.

 

He took a break at one of the benches he passed by.

 

Brian confused the hell out of him. He didn’t know what’s real and what’s not because surely Brian couldn’t be _that_ okay with him. If Jae remembered shit correctly Brian didn’t love him anymore. Brian had to go to Canada and didn’t want to continue a long distance relationship with Jae whom he had been together with for five fucking years. Not even their 10 years of friendship hindered him from leaving.

 

And now Brian came back looking all fine and dandy, engaging Jae on what they used to do together. Smiling at him with that boyish smile of his that never failed to make Jae’s heart flutter like a teenage girl. Agreeing to write songs with him even though he vowed he stopped writing before they broke up.

 

Jae was so _so_ confused and so fucking heart broken. It’s pitiful.


	2. Heartaches For Breakfast?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day in, it all goes to shit.

The day of the trip approached much quicker than Jae had anticipated. When they all met up to talk about it Wonpil said he was finalizing details about the trip but Jae should have gotten that part as “I just need to pay stuff then we’ll leave the following week.”

 

So here he was, trying to fit loads of sweaters and hoodies on his too small luggage—cursing everyone who made this event happen. He pushed the slipping frame of his glasses closer to his eyes, huffing because his strength wasn’t enough to close the damn luggage.

 

His phone vibrated beside him as Wonpil’s name repeatedly flashes. Jae sighed in annoyance, wondering what the hell the younger could want now.

 

“Yo, what’s up?” He greeted. He sat on his suitcase hoping that his weight was somehow enough to push the sides together so he could zip the fucking thing.

 

“Hey, Jae.” The voice that greeted him back was definitely not Wonpil’s if the deep timbre of it was of any indication. Due to his shock his hand loosened on one side of the luggage which resulted to its contents spilling out and pushing Jae to the floor.

 

The loud thud of his ass hitting the hardwood floor must have reached Brian’s ears because he was asking if Jae was okay.

 

“Fuck! Uh... yeah, I am… My luggage just wasn’t cooperating with me. You called?” He decided to leave the mess inside his bedroom and walk towards the kitchen. He needs water because his throat was suddenly parched. _Fuck Brian and his randomness._

 

“Yeah, I tried calling you with my phone but you didn’t answer.”

 

_That’s because I blocked your number._

 

But of course Jae wouldn’t say that to Brian. He won’t say any of the shit that ran through his mind at Brian’s sudden appearance lest he makes a fool out of himself.

 

“Ah, sorry about that I was busy packing, you know… with the trip and all.” He wanted to bang his head on the nearest wall for sounding so awkward. Honestly, Jae felt like he’s just not fit to be human sometimes. He should have done everyone a favor and just became a chicken. That’d be great—no ex boyfriends that would mess with your head. _The Dream Life_ ™

 

“About that, I actually called to let you know that we’re meeting at Wonpil’s place before the trip so that it’d be easier to go to the airport. He wanted me to ask you if you’d like to stay at their apartment too?” Brian’s tone was light, friendly, a _very_ Brian approach. Jae could feel the onslaught of questions that clouded his mind but he decided to ignore it at the moment and just focus on the task at hand.

 

And that task was to be fucking normal around Brian Kang and to answer his damn question as normal as he possibly could.

 

“No man, my place is near the airport anyways. Y'all enjoy your _sleepover_ though.” He teased him. _Yes, that’s how it goes Jae. Act normal. Wing it._ He could hear Brian’s chuckle from the other line and god,

 

_His voice is so deep, has it always been that deep?_

 

“Okay, have fun packing man. We’ll miss you over here as we order pizza and drink beers, maybe I’ll even be generous enough to buy everyone _chipotle_.” He could hear the teasing lilt on Brian’s voice and Jae swears he wanted to go over then and strangle the younger as the image of a very delicious chipotle invaded his once peaceful mind.

 

_Fucking Brian Kang pushing all his buttons. It's a pain in the ass to be his ex._

 

“Low fucking blow, Brian. Send one over here too, and don’t get too drunk assholes. Someone needs to drive tomorrow and you know that won’t be me.” More laughter erupted from the younger and Jae admits it felt good to hear it again. This was better than all the hate and arguments that initially entered his mind upon realizing that he'd have to meet Brian again.

 

“Sorry, Jae. The chipotles are reserved for those who show themselves here. _Come and get it._ ”

 

Jae freezed at that, his mind suddenly occupied by numerous situations in which Brian said the exact same words.

 

Before his mind could further stray into thoughts that were far from decent (let’s just say the scenario that entered his mind involved a whole lot of whipped cream with lesser clothes than deemed appropriate), Jae coughed and shook himself lightly reminding himself who exactly he was talking to.

 

_Brian Kang, remember? Ex-boyfriend who ditched you to go study abroad only to return two months later, your best friend who promised to not break your heart but ate his fucking words later? Yeah, him._

 

It was definitely effective on killing his vibe (read: boner)—and breaking his heart all over again. How odd that the two seemed to be on opposite ends of the spectrum.

 

“Whatever, dude. I’ll go now, enjoy over there.” His voice was a lot less livelier than it was moments ago but yeah, that’s kind of what pain does to people—it takes every bit of sunshine in your life and replaces it with tears that can be likened to a storm, with words that were as loud as lightnings and thunders.

 

He didn’t wait for the younger to answer even though he could hear the sharp intake of breath from the other line. Jae dropped the call and alongside that, the glass of water he was holding as his grip weakened.

 

See this was why it could never work out, why this trip won’t end well. Every time Jae felt as if he could finally resolve his relationship with Brian, certain words would be dropped, certain actions would be made, certain memories would storm his mind and all of those would succeed on bringing Jae overwhelming pain.

 

A few shards managed to cut his skin but the wound was a welcomed pain over the one his heart constantly experienced this past few days.

 

After cleaning his wounds and the mess on the sink Jae returned to his room and finished packing the rest of his stuff, still not removing his hoodies although it’s probably the reason why the damn thing won’t close. Sue him, Spring was a bitch and it could get pretty cold at night on the most random times, if Jae’s going to suffer this week, it won’t be because of the fucking cold.

 

He’s not sure what’s in store for him during this trip, Jae just hopes he gets out of it alive and with his heart still whole (or some semblance of that).

  
  
***  


It was way too fucking early.

 

Why the hell did Wonpil schedule a fucking 4 am flight? Who in their right mind would ever do such thing? Certainly not him if Sungjin dragging him out of bed and spraying him with cold water from the shower (very rude by the way) was of any indication that he likes his sleep.

 

They were all huddled inside the car, their luggage safely tucked on the back of Sungjin’s truck. It was a cold morning and it didn't help their case at all, Jae could already feel the drowsiness take over him, his head resting on the window beside him. Next to him, Dowoon was already sleeping with his head on Brian’s shoulder, the latter was also asleep (of course he was, he’s Brian). Wonpil decided to not be a clingy boyfriend for once and to sit beside Sungjin on the passenger side but Jae knew it’s because he just wanted to be able to play the music on their short drive to the airport.

 

A soft melody played through the speaker and with this Jae let himself fall asleep as well.

 

A soft tap on his shoulder woke him up after what felt like minutes later. He opened his eyes and was greeted by Brian’s soft sleepy face. He glanced around the vehicle searching for the others but upon landing on the pavement outside he saw the other three already sat there with their luggage, smiles wide as they watch the event unfold in front of their eyes.

 

Jae sat up straight and rubbed the sleepiness out of his eyes (forgetting for a moment that he had his glasses on, stupid), mumbling a small thanks in passing as he and Brian made their way out of the car. He saw Jinyoung and Jaebum waiting alongside the other three and greeted them in surprise.

 

“You here to take the car back?” He patted Jaebum’s back as the younger approached him with a hug. Jinyoung beside him nodded with a smile, way too bright for Jae’s sour mood this morning. He replied with a smile of his own (albeit smaller) before settling down beside Dowoon. He saw the two exchange words with Brian as well, wishing the younger well for this trip.

 

_God knows they both need that._

 

As soon as the goodbyes were exchanged (and various threats from Sungjin should the two ever damage his car) they all made their way inside, pulling their coats and jackets closer to their body as it was a particularly cold morning. Jae went inside the coffee shop to order some coffee for them (black for Brian, latte for the youngest two, macchiato for him and Sungjin) while Wonpil was checking their suitcases in.

 

His dumb self didn’t realize that even with his two abnormally large hands, he couldn’t possibly hold five cups of _steaming_ hot coffee. So here he was standing like an idiot, wondering how he’ll bring all of these to the others outside.

 

Fortunately, (or not) an angel in the form of one sleepy Brian Kang approached him, laughing at Jae’s current _predicament_. Jae rolled his eyes at him before handing him the black coffee and the latte.

 

“Yeah laugh all you want. After I gave you coffee, this is how you repay me?” He turned his back at Brian who was clad in his red hoodie and pink joggers topped with his black coat. He looks good and Jae was careful not to let his eyes linger at Brian’s form any longer than what was necessary.

 

“Thanks for the coffee, hyung. I followed you here ‘cause you seemed to have forgotten that you only have two hands.” He and Brian made their way out of the shop with Jae focused on balancing the three coffees on his hands. Brian was tailing after him, already sipping the black coffee Jae ordered for him.

 

“Yeah whatever, at least they’re pretty.” He boasted, eyes fixed on the cups so as not to spill any of them on his skin. That’d hurt pretty bad.

 

“Yeah, pretty.” Brian whispered behind him. He probably didn’t mean for Jae to hear it but he did, and the little flutter his chest made at those words was for him to know and for Brian to never figure out.

 

_Move the fuck on, Jae. Don’t blow things out of proportion._

 

“Be a little more alive, losers. Here you go, and yeah I know what you’re gonna say “Thank you, Jae” “You’re the best, Jae” but save it, I know I’m awesome.” His loud voice caught a few passenger’s attention but it succeeded on putting a smile on the three’s faces so yeah, worth it.

 

“Shut up, it’s too early and you’re too loud.” Sungjin said as he grabbed the cup of macchiato on Jae’s hands.

 

Wonpil and Dowoon stood up and got theirs from Jae and Brian’s hands, muttering their thanks as they sat down waiting for the boarding of their flight. They all settled down as the minutes passed by, Brian was once again passed out but that’s to be expected. The younger could literally fall asleep at any place and time.

 

Jae was fiddling with his earphones when the boarding of their flight was announced. He woke the four up who somehow managed to fall asleep again and told them that they could board the plane now.

 

Jae should have asked, he knew right there and then that he should’ve asked Wonpil to put him beside Sungjin. But his sleep addled brain forgot to and instead went ahead and ordered coffee for the three and Wonpil, the snake.

 

So here he was.

 

Seated beside his ex-boyfriend.

 

_Honestly? Fuck Kim Wonpil and his scheming ass. He's always trying to meddle with Jae's shit._

 

Fortunately, Brian was asleep as soon as his body hit the chair. Jae won’t be forced to keep up conversations. He hated small talks, especially with Brian. _They didn't have to do such thing before._ With Brian the topics were just endless, from music to movies to political issues (which Jae won ten times out of ten). He let the younger be and resorted into listening to music as the plane took off and settled mid air.

 

In the middle of his very intense Tetris game, Brian woke up beside him. Jae spared him a look, and _fuck_ he shouldn’t have. Brian looked so sleepy and _cute_. Jae resisted the urge to pinch the younger’s puffed out cheeks.

 

“Need something?” He asked as he returned his attention to his game.

 

“Hyung—” Jae froze at Brian’s voice. _Oh my god_ , Jae actually forgot how deep Brian’s voice could go when he just woke up. Jae didn’t know why red pooled at his cheeks, but it must have caught Brian’s attention because the asshole chuckled.

 

“Shut up. What do you want?” He punched the younger on the shoulder. Brian smiled at him before showing him a menu with coffee and pancakes.

 

“I’m hungry, let’s eat.” Brian motioned for Jae to move so he could call the attention of the stewardess but before he could stand up, another voice drifted in the air.

 

“—this is your pilot speaking, we’ll be expecting some turbulence because of—” Jae didn’t hear the words after because of nerves.

 

Jae never liked turbulence. In fact, he feared it.

 

He was breathing rapidly, trying to placate himself, repeating his mantra about how it’s going to be okay. It didn’t seem to work because he couldn’t hear anything else other than his breaths and the noise that rang in his head.

 

“—Jae. Hey Jae, look at me… Hey.” A pair of hands held his face. He was forced to look at Brian who seemed near yet too far at the same time. Jae gripped the hands that were on the sides of his face, trying to let Brian know how much he hates this shit.

 

“It’s going to be alright, I’m here. Hold my hand.” Brian lowered his hands and offered them to Jae who immediately held it. Later, he would think about how this was counterproductive to his moving on process. But right now, Brian’s the only one keeping him from having an actual panic attack in the middle of this god awful flight.

 

He felt his breath even out as Brian kept on holding his hands, occasionally whispering words of encouragement to Jae. On a particular downward swerve, Jae almost broke Brian’s fingers but the younger just smiled at him and rubbed the back of Jae’s palm.

 

Jae was overwhelmed and his emotions were all over the place. First, the fucking plane. Second, the fucking trip. Last, fucking Brian Kang. It was all too much but at the same time it wasn’t enough. As he looked at Brian’s eyes, the same eyes that had always been within his sight, it held the same amount of care he used to show Jae back when they were friends, then lovers. His hands held the same comfort Jae would feel when he’s holding it. His smile held the same glint that would never fail to make Jae’s heart skip a fucking beat, as cliche as that sounded.

 

But then there’s a line drawn that Jae couldn’t cross anymore. And that abruptly ends all his fantasies of future reconciliation.

 

If it didn’t work out between them before, who’s to say it would work now?

 

When the plane returned to its usual pace, Jae still hadn’t let go of Brian’s hand. The younger didn’t seem to mind because he didn’t let go of Jae’s hand either. The grip turned to something natural, something Jae and Brian used to do before. His heart was feeling joy and pain at the same time, Jae didn’t know if he should consider that a good thing or not.

 

“So, breakfast?” Brian’s thumb was running circles on Jae’s knuckles as he asked the question after a few minutes of silence. Jae was brought back to all the times he neglected how good of a fit Brian’s hands were on his. Of the times he took for granted the little things.

 

_“Babe, I really love your hands.” Brian was fiddling with his fingers as they sat on the couch, watching Friends for how many times now._

 

_“Just my hands?” He was focused on the show yet he couldn’t help but smile at the way Brian was just playing with his fingers and not paying attention to the damn series._

 

_“Well if you put it that way—” Jae turned to look at him, trying to look offended at the younger’s words, who just completely laughed at him._

 

_“That’s it, let’s break up. I knew this relationship was a lost cause.” Jae tried to pry his hands away from Brian’s, laughing as the other tried to cage him back in his arms, his legs wrapping around Jae’s waist._

 

_“You won’t get rid of me.” Brian’s hot breath were on his nape, his chuckles resounding on the almost silent room. Friends was still playing on the background but it was long forgotten as the two play fought on the couch._

 

_Brian succeeded on pinning Jae between his arms. Jae’s back was facing him and they were both laughing— Jae’s because Brian was tickling him, the younger was just because he’s happy to hear Jae’s laugh._

 

_“—Brian… I can’t breathe… Fuck…” Jae was barely getting the words out, tears filled his eyes, his laughter (and Brian’s occasional ones) the only sound in the room. After seeing Jae’s struggle Brian did stop but not before placing a kiss on Jae’s nape._

 

_“I love you, baby.” Brian whispered as he held Jae in his arms, leaving short kisses (and a few long ones) on Jae’s neck. The older was relaxed in his arms, a smile present on his face._

 

_“Love you too, babe.” Jae turned around and sat on Brian’s lap, kissing the younger full on the lips. Friends be damned, this was a much better past time._

 

“...Jae?” Brian prompted him. He gave the younger a small smile before nodding and tightening his grip on the younger’s hand. Brian then turned his attention to the stewardess as he recited their orders. Jae just looked out of the window letting the clouds that filled his view decide if what he’s doing—holding Brian’s hand as if they were together again, as if the past few months didn’t happen— was the right thing to do or not.

 

A small voice in the back of his head told him to let go, but he just couldn’t get his fingers to move.

 

He’s also confused because Brian must have realized that Jae’s calmer now, why wasn’t he letting go as well? Series of questions made its way on his mind but Jae knew he couldn’t voice any of it out.

 

When Brian finished talking to the stewardess, Jae decided to end his momentary bliss by letting Brian’s hand go. The younger looked at him, confused at the sudden act, but Jae only gave him a small smile before leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

 

 _‘Small steps. If you could let go of his hand, one day you could let go of him too. ’_ He repeated inside his head, willing the mantra to be true.

 

***

 

A few moments later, after Jae and Brian finished their meal in silence, the pilot announced that they’re already landing. Jae could literally feel Wonpil buzzing behind him with Dowoon trying to calm the former. Jae laughed at that before staring at the relatively silent man beside him.

 

Brian was listening to music with his earphones in, Jae could faintly make out Brendon Urie’s voice belting out high notes to Emperor’s New Clothes. He was staring at the clouds outside, his side profile seemed to be mocking Jae because _god damn it how can he look this perfect._ Jae was just about to call his attention to tell him that they’re landing when Brian turned around and stared at him.

 

Jae was taken aback at the indifference within the younger’s eyes, his eyebrows raised as if to ask Jae what he wanted, as if Jae was nuisance. This was a total 360 from the Brian minutes ago. What the hell happened?

 

“I was just about to tell you we’re landing.” He tried for a civil conversation, with barely held  curiosity in his voice, but Brian just nodded before returning his attention to the same fucking clouds he had been staring at minutes ago.

 

Jae could feel himself getting pissed at the bratty attitude. He didn’t know what spurred this on but the last time he remembered which was minutes ago by the way, they were okay. They were even holding hands for fucks’s sake (not Jae’s proudest moment), where the hell was this bitchiness coming from? He huffed before looking away from Brian’s figure.

 

Yes, this was the initial reaction he expected upon meeting the younger. The indifference, the cold gestures, the avoidance. Jae knew Brian had a side like this but he didn’t expect the younger to act fake with him—holding his hands, offering to write songs with him, smiling at him—only to act bitchy the next fucking second.

 

When the plane landed Jae was the first one out of his seat, the four trailing after him. He could feel the other three’s curious stares behind his back as him and Brian walked the farthest away from each other as possible. Jae couldn’t be bothered to explain though, if Brian wanted to be petty with him, Jae would gladly indulge him.

 

Fuck him and his indecisive ass.

 

Upon reaching the exit, they were greeted by the rays of the sun accompanied by the cool sway of the breeze. Jae was glad it wasn’t scorching hot or else his bad mood would definitely worsen. They came to a stop at the red pick-up truck, Sungjin greeted his friend before the said friend threw him the keys and ditched all of them, wishing them luck on this trip.

 

Jae wanted to laugh at that, everyone seemed to be aware that this trip needed a whole lot of luck.

 

“So, who’s on the shotgun—” Before Sungjin could finish, Brian walked towards the door and slammed it shut. Jae could feel the anger thrum on his veins once more, the itch to just punch Brian was getting to him.

 

However before he could even take a step towards the younger, Wonpil’s hand held his shoulders, stopping him from making further steps towards the passenger side.

 

“Hyung, don’t.” Wonpil reprimanded him. Dowoon was also shaking his head beside Wonpil, his gaze alternating between the clearly upset Brian and angry Jae.

 

“This is what I told you about, Wonpil.” Jae shrugged off Wonpil’s hand before putting his luggage behind the pick-up truck and sitting on the edge, his mood visibly calmer but still annoyed.

 

“Hyung, you can sit inside with us.” Wonpil called out to him after he and Dowoon arranged their luggages as well.

 

“I’d rather stay here, thanks. Basking in the sun and all that shit we’re supposed to be doing on vacations, yeah that.” The couple only stared at each other before shrugging, deeming it hopeless to convince the older about anything when’s he’s in this mood.

 

The only one that managed to get Jae out of his bad moods was Brian, but the said guy was the main reason why Jae was angry so Wonpil and Dowoon knew better than to get in their way. Sungjin was also feeling the tension between the two but he had driving as a distraction from the brooding male beside him.

 

_Looks like their roadtrip won’t go as smooth as Wonpil hoped._

 

When the clock hit 12 Jae finally knocked on the mini door separating him from the four and asked for Sungjin to stop at the side of the road so he could get inside.

 

Wonpil laughed at his direction before scooting closer to Dowoon, leaving Jae behind Brian (Don’t get any ideas, not that _kind_ ). Jae cussed him out before resting his head on the window to his right. He could make out Brian’s figure in front of him but instead of the previous anger, he felt pain and confusion upon remembering their encounter.

 

It really came out of nowhere. Jae thought they were good, as good as ex boyfriends could be. But it was short lived and more than the fact that it angered Jae, it actually bothered him. He’s contemplating whether he should talk to the younger or not, sort out their differences that came out of nowhere for the sake of the group and the trip.

 

But Jae was never the courageous one. Between the two of them he was never the one who dragged the other to ride the roller coaster on an amusement park. He was never the one who wanted skydive or to walk on a glass bridge. He was never the one with the big dreams, the fancy aspirations.

 

He was Jae and he was never like Brian.

 

So he let it be, he let the growing distance between them grow further apart. Maybe this was for the best, this would actually help him move the fuck on from the man in front of him. He let himself drift off to sleep to the sound of Radiohead’s Creep playing in the background.

  


***

  


When Jae woke up, it’s to the hushed (they tried, but it was steadily rising) voices of an arguing Brian and Sungjin. The sun was hidden by the clouds which gave way to a more cooler breeze that swayed against his cheek. Dowoon and Wonpil beside him were deep in slumber and Jae tried not to wake them (and to not let the two know that he’s awake) so he shifted as quietly as he could.

 

He wouldn’t call it eavesdropping because the two were becoming loud and Jae’s just literally behind Brian so of course the obvious thing to do was to listen in—with his eyes closed for good measure, just in case Sungjin decided to look into his rear view mirror.

 

“... It’s none of your business, hyung.”  Brian’s tone was chipped, obviously annoyed at whatever Sungjin said beforehand.

 

“What do you mean it’s none of my business? You _fucked_ off to god knows where and decided to come back months before your program should end. Yeah, I heard from my friends okay? You and Jae were also touchy a few days ago then suddenly you looked like you’re enemies forced to be within each other’s presence. What the fuck was that about?” Jae almost didn’t get to stop himself from gasping because _what the hell_ Sungjin just cursed at Brian which meant that this was some serious shit.

 

And yeah it was serious, they were talking about Brian’s reasons.

 

Brian had no answer for him if the silence was a telltale sign. Jae hear Sungjin sigh.

 

“Get your shit together, Brian. Jae’s strong, but he could only take on so much of your bullshit before he finally gives up. And that’s a huge loss, you know that.” Jae stiffened at the mention of his name. Sungjin’s words hit him pretty deep and _wow_ did it hurt.

 

So everyone does see how much of a pain all of Brian’s impulsive shit was to Jae. He didn’t know if that’s a good thing or not. He couldn’t help but backtrack on Sungjin’s words though, how was Jae related to any of Brian’s current problems? And also, he went home before the program ended?

 

This conversation only stemmed a whole new string of questions on Jae’s mind. Should he talk to Brian? Would Brian even talk to him about his life anymore?

 

“Just drop it, hyung.” Brian’s voice was resigned—like he was so tired of having the same conversation over and over again. Jae felt bad for him but he wanted answers too. Sungjin didn’t reply anymore, probably granting the younger’s wish. Jae decided it was enough so he opened his eyes and yawned a bit too loud than normal so he could get the two’s attention.

 

“Yo Bob, can we stop over somewhere? I need to pee.” Jae said as he rubbed the sleep away from his eyes. He heard Brian’s quiet _“Me too.”_ before Sungjin pulled over at a gas station minutes later.

 

Jae didn’t bother to wait for Brian as he jumped out of the truck. He passed by a convenience store and momentarily decided that he’d buy snack for them after. He was already washing his hands when Brian entered the restroom. Their eyes met for a few seconds before Jae looked away and stepped forward, opposite to where Brian’s heading.

 

A hand on his wrist stopped him from successfully avoiding the younger.

 

“Jae, can we talk?” Brian’s voice echoed throughout the room. Jae wanted to bolt right there and then, if only to give Brian a taste of his own medicine. But his will wasn’t as strong as his thoughts. He stayed rooted to his spot, refusing to answer but hesitating to leave.

 

“I just wanted to say sorry.” His hand was still clutching Jae’s wrist and it felt warm, so fucking warm against the cool air the licked at their skin. His voice held sadness which frustrated Jae. He didn’t need Brian’s sorry’s and I didn’t mean to’s, he needed Brian’s reason and explanation. He needed to understand just what the fuck was going on in his life right now.

 

But not now.

 

“It’s okay.” He replied before removing Brian’s clutch from his wrist. He continued walking towards the door. Before he could go out though Brian asked him one more question,

 

"Aren't you going to ask why?" The younger's voice held a hint of curiosity in it, and perhaps a hint of frustration too. Jae almost wanted to laugh at his words.

 

"Why bother? It's not like you'd start explaining shit now, Brian. I  _know_ you, remember?" He didn't bother to wait for the other's response, he walked out of the restroom.

 

Jae didn't mean to snap, and yeah he was planning on eventually settling things with Brian, he knows this wasn't the proper way to do that. But just like Sungjin said, Jae could only take on so much before everything becomes  _too much_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't have a strict schedule of when i'll upload a chapter (i'll try to update before a whole month passes by though) but when i was writing this fic i thought it would only be a oneshot but souprice, it got too long so i decided to turn it to a chaptered one. 
> 
> enjoy reading!


	3. A Disaster Waiting to Happen

Jae got a few snacks for them before mounting the truck again. Wonpil and Dowoon were awake by now but Wonpil’s head was still resting on Dowoon’s shoulder, in short they’re being their usual disgusting selves. Jae didn’t remember being this disgusting back then.

 

_Not that it mattered anymore._

 

“Shut up, you and Brian hyung were worse.” Wonpil’s smooth voice pierced through his thoughts, he leveled him a curious stare before realizing that he muttered the last words out loud.

 

“We were _not_ .” He answered back, scandalized. The three chuckled at his reaction while Jae just glared at all of them. The door to the passenger side opened and Brian entered with various snacks in hand as well, at this Jae obviously mellowed out as he was suddenly reminded by their last conversation, but his point still stands. _They weren’t that disgusting._

 

Wonpil, also trying to make his point, continued on with his tirade.

 

“Example number one, you two always make out without considering your friends in the vicinity.” At his words, Dowoon and Sungjin cracked up while also nodding their heads in agreement. Brian who seemed to have gotten what the conversation was about reddened at the mention of their _previous relationship._ Jae intensified his glare at Wonpil, willing the younger to shut up because they don’t need that shit right now, it didn’t seem to work though because the younger didn’t even flinch and just continued talking shit.

 

“Remember that time, Hyung was cooking—”

 

“Are you sure you’d call that cooking, babe?” Wonpil cut off Dowoon’s words and another round of laughter set them off again.

 

“Okay assholes, you can stop—” He tried to speak amidst all the laughter filling the small truck but he couldn’t even get a whole sentence out before he was cutted off once again.

 

“Yeah, Jae hyung was trying to cook and Brian excused himself because he said he was going to help Jae. But minutes later, we ran to the kitchen because something was burning and surprise, they were making out like teenagers while the food turned black beside them.”

 

At this point, Jae didn’t even know how Sungjin could drive with how much he’s laughing. Brian beside him was clutching his head, hiding his face from everyone else. The couple beside him were holding each other, laughing their asses off. And yeah, Jae admits that the memory was really funny. He could remember the three just standing there, not knowing what to do. That was the same day they came clean about their relationship to the three who only laughed at them because they said it was so obvious that the two had the _hots_ (as Wonpil would say it) for each other.

 

What was odd about that memory (and what made it even funnier) was Brian’s reaction. The younger legit tried to trick the three into believing that there was just something on Jae’s mouth and he was trying to get it out.

 

Suffice to say, that was Brian’s worst memory (and stupidest too) hence the dramatic reaction he had on right now. Even Jae couldn’t help but chuckle (a bit silently of course) at the battle cry Brian let out.

 

“Stop, don’t let me remember it!” He was pulling at his hair and his face looked really crazed. That really was pretty stupid of him, Jae couldn’t help but feel fond over the memory though, he kind of treasures it in a way. They both feared their friends’ reactions because it had been pretty early into their friendship (and they also didn’t know at the time that Wonpil’s totally gay for Dowoon). So them accepting and acknowledging Brian and Jae’s previous relationship solidified their bond as a group.

 

Which brings us back to why it had been hard to interact with the group when they broke up. Fortunately, he’s now learning how to be with them just as Jae. A Jae without Brian.

 

“Friendship over.” Was the only reply he had for the three idiots. Brian was still wallowing in his embarrassment when Dowoon perked up and sat straight, a goofy smile decorating his face. Jae could almost see the gears in his head turning.

 

“Example number two, you don’t give a fuck who hears you two have sex.” Jae who was sipping on the cold bottle of water he got from the convenience store, spit out the whole fucking gulp he just did moments before Dowoon decided to be an asshole. Brian, who was unfortunately in front of him, was now drenched in water. The sides of his red hoodie were wet, and when he looked back at them, his eyes were wide and his mouth was opened in shock.

 

There was a momentary silence inside the van before all of them bursted out laughing. Jae was trying to say sorry to Brian who was clutching his stomach, Dowoon and Wonpil were holding each other as their chuckles dominated the whole van, while Sungjin was trying his best not to crash the car.

 

“—oh my god, im sorry—”

 

“—I can’t stop laugh—”

 

“—I swear to god—”    

 

Their sentences were always cut off by laughters and it went on for good thirty minutes before they all settled down with a grin on their faces. The tension that had been there because of Jae and Brian’s initial fight finally dissipated.

 

“I really _am_ sorry though, Brian.” He said after a minute of comfortable silence passed by them.

 

“It’s okay, I’ll live.” He replied, trying to dry the wet side of his shirt by dabbing the tissue Wonpil gave to him.

 

“No, here I have a spare hoodie.” He pulled out the gray hoodie that he kept on his backpack in case he does something stupid today that would require him another piece of clothing. He gave it to Brian who accepted it while muttering a small _thanks_.

 

For some reason, Brian was really slow on changing out of his own hoodie and it frustrated Jae who wasn’t even beside him or in front of him to witness Brian Kang in all his glory. He only got to see his naked back—which was still a pretty good sight because Brian had the widest shoulders and the broadest back, it’s a fucking sin.

 

Going back to the situation at hand, Brian finally pulled the shirt on and they were all saved from any future occurrence of Jae passing out.  

 

“You still keep one of these in your bag whenever you go out Jae?” Brian asked nonchalantly, as if it’s a habit of his to check up on Jae’s things before going out—and it actually was, before they broke up. Jae froze at that, so did the other three who had witnessed the many times Brian reprimanded Jae for forgetting to bring a spare shit (which would always be followed by another tirade because Jae always eats sloppily), Brian seemed to have realized his fault too for he froze at his own words.

 

Jae was slowly becoming tired of all these, the freezing up whenever one of them so much as brings up a thing of the past. The awkwardness that lingers with every wrong words or actions that insinuate something more than just friendship.

 

 _‘I mean yeah it hurts, but what else can I fucking do?_ ” He couldn’t help but think. No amount of embarrassing moments and laughters could hide the fact that Jae was still hurting but then again, what else can he fucking do other than try to make the best out of this trip?

 

If he lets every single moment like this get to him, he’s sure to die before this ends. His and Brian’s life were too intertwined, there were too much of each other incorporated in their fibers. Maybe this was what Wonpil meant, as much as they would try to put lines between the two of them, it’d be like putting a line on sand which would eventually be blown away by the sea breeze or the waves.

 

“Yeah of course, I still hear your annoying voice in my head spouting shit like _Jae come on, not again_ or _Jae, did you bring that spare shirt?_ I swear you almost sound like my mom.” He chuckled. The two beside him let out a sigh as they heard Jae’s answer. They must have thought another fight would break out between the two. Brian pouted at him—yes, the bitch had the audacity to fucking pout over Jae’s heart breaking at every reminder of the time Brian would take good care of him—but remained silent nonetheless. Sungjin didn’t say anything but Jae caught the occasional glances he would throw Brian’s way when the younger’s not looking at him. He would ask the younger about that, but maybe later.

 

“I can’t help that you eat like a toddler.” Brian looked back from his seat and replied with a cheeky grin on his face although his whole body screamed unsureness. Jae held his gaze, trying to tell the younger that it’s okay.

 

 _‘You can’t possibly hurt me more than you did three months ago. I’ll be okay.’_ Jae thought.

 

Brian’s posture visibly relaxed at that. Jae’s grateful Brian couldn’t actually hear his thoughts.

 

“And you eat like a dying man.” He said with his brows raised. The three chuckled at that, amused and at the same time confused because in a span of twenty four hours the two were acting like friend then enemies, and now they’re back to being friends. They knew better than to say anything though because Jae and Brian were probably the most _tsundere_ (for the lack of better term) people they met. If they resolved their problem or not, it’s up to them. No one understood Jae and Brian better than Jae and Brian.

 

“Fuck you.” Brian said without any heat behind his voice. He laughed at Jae’s offended face which swiftly turned to a smug one.

 

“You wish.” Jae replied, his eyes glinting mischievously. He saw Brian freeze up at his words but instead of replying the younger just laughed at him and that effectively ended the banter between the two.

 

It was good natured, the kind of banter the two used to do back when they were friends. Innuendos, slanders, and jokes—those were Jae’s specialty, his defense mechanism from the pain that lingered behind every words Brian let out, behind every memories that would come to his mind. This was the only way he knew to be able to at least _deal_ with this situation.

 

After that it was silence until they reached Gangwon-do. Everyone slept except for him and Sungjin. They would exchange small talks but Jae didn’t feel the need to turn it to an actual conversation. Silence was comfortable with Sungjin, and also his mind was occupied with a whole lot of thoughts about the man in front of him whose head was resting on the window. Occasional thumps could be heard and Jae resisted the urge to move Brian’s head to the other side, Sungjin must have noticed his inner turmoil because he took it upon himself to lean Brian’s head the other way. Jae gave him a smile as a thank you, Sungjin just nodded like the understanding man he was.

 

It didn’t take a long time for them to reach the hotel, Jae woke the other two beside him while Sungjin pinched Brian’s nose to wake him up. The younger slapped Sungjin’s hand away before giving him a pretty scary glare (Jae had only been on the receiving end of the said glare once, and he never wanted to experience that again), Sungjin didn’t seem bothered though judging by the way he’s laughing as he jumped off the truck.

 

They all waited at the lobby while Wonpil talked to the lady at the front desk. Looking around, Jae noticed that it must have cost Wonpil a whole lot of money if the chandelier hanging above them was of any indication. He’s grateful that they didn’t have to sleep somewhere shady but it burdened him to know that Wonpil paid a lot for this trip to happen. Sure the younger’s loaded and all but Jae’s the _hyung_. He should at least shoulder some expenses.

 

Wonpil walked back towards them with a frown on his face.

 

“So I originally booked four rooms. One, for Jae hyung, one for Sungjin hyung, one for Brian hyung, and one for me and Dowoonie. But there was a misunderstanding and the hotel only booked us three rooms.” Wonpil looked so down and apologetic, especially when he looked at Jae. He knew the younger was trying to set him and Brian up but Jae understood that this was truly unintentional. He felt guilty because Wonpil really tried his best so that everyone would be comfortable in this trip. Jae appreciated that even though he rarely showed it.

 

He was just about to suggest that he and Sungjin could share a room when Brian spoke up,

 

“Jae and I could share.” There was a tense silence as everyone seemed wary of the younger’s answer. Jae looked at Brian with wide eyes, wondering what the fuck was going on inside the younger’s head. Brian felt small under the four’s curious stares.

 

“I mean, Sungjin is a light sleeper and we all know Jae could scream his throat out—”

 

“—excuse me, what?!”

 

“—too much information, Brian hyung—”

 

“—okay that took a wild turn—”

 

“—Brian, seriously?”

 

“Wait! No! I meant even in his sleep, he’s just loud. But I’m used to it since I’m a heavy sleeper and I’ve been rooming with Jae for the longest time.” Brian let out all at once, his words slurring with how fast he tried to get them out. All four of them stopped talking. Dowoon and Wonpil seemed to agree with him, while Sungjin just _stared_ at him. Jae couldn’t comprehend what the fuck was happening.

 

“It’s okay, I think I could room with J—” Sungjin tried.

 

“No hyung, I don’t want you to lose sleep.” Brian reasoned out. The three looked at him (with the exception of Brian who couldn’t seem to avert his gaze from the floor) all of them concerned for Jae’s well being.

 

But all Jae could hear (or listened to) was Brian’s subtle shade.

 

“Excuse me Brian, did you just say I’m loud?” _How dare this guy insult him?_ Jae knew he should be focusing on Brian’s other words such as the fact that he wanted them to be roommates, but he didn’t want to let his mind wander again, let his heart hope. The little skip it did at the mention of them being roommates was enough warning for Jae to turn to his defense mechanism once again.

 

And also, he couldn’t find it within himself to say no. _Okay fuck Jae for being such a masochist but it’s been too long and he just fucking missed Brian._

 

“Well, you are. Aren’t you?” Brian deadpanned. A few seconds passed with the two just staring at each other, the other three backed away slowly because if their guess was right, this should be a mess.

 

“You’ll regret saying that, Kang.” Jae threatened, pushing the sleeves of his hoodie up and getting rid of his glasses. Brian laughed at that before saying,

 

“Try me.”

 

And off they went. Brian quickly ran towards the exit with Jae tailing after him, Dowoon and Wonpil just laughed at them before getting a move on towards their room while the older shouted their room number in case the two decided to stop playing cat and mouse. Sungjin then grabbed Brian’s luggage while Wonpil dragged Jae’s _heavy_ suitcase.

 

***

 

“For someone who used to be ex boyfriends, they sure don’t act like it.” Dowoon brought up the dreaded conversation when they entered the elevator. Wonpil pressed the 6th floor before resting his head on the younger’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah, that’s what I told Jae hyung too. I was actually a bit scared when they fought back at the airport but I was worried for nothing. They’re Jae and Brian, the world would end before any of them shows the other their true feelings. Jae hyung would counter with jokes and sarcasm. Brian hyung would act like everything’s normal. That’s why they belong together. Two idiots.” Wonpil smiled at Sungjin and Dowoon who were frowning.

 

“Are you sure this was a good idea Pil? Setting them up? Bringing them together again?” Sungjin asked, his voice laced with worry and concern. They weren’t supposed to meddle with Jae and Brian’s lives—or anyone’s lives really. But then Sungjin found out that Brian was slacking off at school, and that he ditched the exchange program, and that he rarely attended his business classes anymore. They were worried but they knew that even if they tried, Brian would never listen to them. Brian was just as stubborn as Jae, and that’s what made them perfect for each other. Jae was also acting aloof and indifferent with them, and yeah he’s still butting in with lame jokes here and there but he’s _different_. None of them liked how the way things were turning out, so they planned this trip out. Wonpil convinced Jae while Sungjin talked to Brian.

 

“They’re the only ones who can solve their problems. Let’s just give them time. They’ll talk despite Jae hyung’s sass and Brian hyung’s ignorance.” Wonpil talked about them as if he was so sure that everything would work out fine. Sungjin sometimes hated Wonpil’s optimism but this time he really did hope that the younger was right.

 

***

 

Jae and Brian were exhausted by the time they caught up with the other three at the 6th floor. Brian’s hair was a mess while Jae’s hoodie was drenched in sweat, his hair sticking to his forehead. The three just smiled at them, their heads shaking as if they’re disappointed yet amused at the two’s antics. Jae was glaring at Brian while the younger just looked smug at having irritated the older.

 

“Okay kids, here are the room keycards.” Wonpil patted their head as if they were actually kids to which Jae smacked him for. He handed the both of them a keycard then left without saying anything else.

 

“That fucking snake.” Jae mumbled, grabbing his things from the wall where Wonpil left it hanging. He could hear Brian and Sungjin talking behind him but their voices were too hushed for him to hear. He said a rushed goodbye to Sungjin before entering the room first. It was a big room and it could definitely fit two people. The foyer housed shelves for them to put their footwear in, opposite of it was the door to what must be the bathroom. Wandering his gaze further into the room, he saw that there were two separate closets with a wide mirror in between. There was a television with game consoles at the bottom. There was also a refrigerator and some snacks above it.

 

Jae could honestly see himself lounging here for the next few days, but then he turned around and all of that immediately went out of his mind.

 

The door opened and Jae could hear Brian’s gasps at the extravagance of the room, he could hear the younger’s footsteps coming closer and the moment the other faltered Jae knew Brian had seen it too.

 

There’s only one fucking bed.

 

“What the fuck?” Was Jae’s initial reaction. He dropped his hold on the suitcase and walked over to the couch in the middle of the room. He sat there, his hands immediately pulled at his hair because of frustration. How could Wonpil not tell him _this_ ? How could the snake neglect to inform them that _“Oh, by the way you only have one queen sized bed in the room, do you still want to share?_ ”

 

With that warning, Jae could have at least took Sungjin up on his offer with sharing the room (even though he knew the younger would kick him off the bed the moment he starts talking). But no, Wonpil always managed to leave the most important details out.

 

Jae needed to talk to him.

 

He stood up and was just about to march towards Wonpil’s room, demanding justice for _whatever kind of fucking cliche this was_. Damn and he even felt guilty for making the younger pay for everything a while ago. Before he could though, Brian held his wrist, stopping him from walking out the door.

 

“It’s okay, you can take the bed.” Brian smiled at him before pushing Jae and his things on the closet closer to the bed. Jae was confused but he was walking along, letting Brian tug him on the other side of the room.

 

“But where are you going to sleep?” He asked the younger who then moved towards the other side, stuffing his whole luggage inside the other closet. Brian lied down on the couch, making himself comfortable although it looked pretty _uncomfortable_ to Jae. He could feel himself getting annoyed at Brian and his consideration. He just always feels the need to do things for everyone, to satisfy everyone.

 

Brian must have noticed the frown he had on because he asked Jae if he was okay.

 

He wanted to say no and just snap at Brian for always acting like a knight in shining armor. For being so kind to Jae when all of those actions weren’t needed anymore—yes, Jae wanted them, of course he fucking would, but he didn’t need them if he plans on moving on. He didn’t need them because then he would overthink about what those actions meant and he’d just hope again. And fuck _Jae’s tired of hoping_. He wanted to just fucking punch the concern out of Brian’s face. He wanted to scream all the frustrations that’s been slowly building up in him because of this push and pull between them.

 

He wanted to, but he didn’t. Because he’s Jae and as much as he could, he’d want everyone to be happy too. He knew that if he and Brian argue right now, it would spoil everyone’s moods.

 

“I’m okay.” He replied, he couldn't prevent the annoyance from seeping out of his voice though. Brian looked unsure but he nodded.

 

From there on nothing much happened and the day went by fast. They arranged their clothes, fixed their stuff all around the room leaving enough space for the other.

 

When the night came, all of them went out for dinner, and this time it was Jae’s treat because he really wanted to get rid of the guilt.

 

Dinner was a quick affair because everyone seemed so hungry but tired at the same time. They were all focused on eating that no one, not even Wonpil brought up a topic to pass time. Normally, Jae would be annoyed because it’s too awkward but he understood that everyone had a long day.

 

God even he had a long day. And they all just wanted to rest so they quickly finished up and went to their own rooms.

 

The night proceeded with silence. When the two of them went up they watched on the television for a bit—well, Jae did. Brian just snacked on the food available inside the refrigerator, obviously keeping his distance. Eventually they did wash up for bed. Brian went in first and then Jae followed after. Before going to sleep, Jae lent Brian a pillow and the spare comforter from his bed to at least alleviate the younger’s inevitable pain next morning.

 

Now they were just lying in silence.

 

Silence never used to be a thing between Brian and Jae. No matter what happened they always had something to fill that silence up—stories from class, a new movie Brian had been watching, a new song Jae had been working on. They never had a problem with it because with Brian, Jae could just talk on and on. And even if they were silent, it was comfortable and welcomed. That’s why Brian was his favorite person.

 

_Jae and Brian were cuddling on the couch, Jae was sprawled on top of Brian while the younger’s arms were wrapped around him. His head was resting on the younger’s chest and he could hear Brian’s heartbeat well._

 

_It reminded Jae of the waves crashing against the shore. With every ‘lub-dub’ of Brian’s heart, Jae could see the push and pull of the waves. It only seemed fitting because Brian was like the sea, Jae knew him the longest out of all the friends he ever had, yet everyday Jae discovers something new he loved about him just like the sea could never be something you’re going to know everything about. Yes, it could feel familiar, feel like home but what lies underneath and the stories that haven’t been told and things that haven’t been seen were the reasons why it was all the more fascinating._

 

_His eyes, his nose, his lips, his voice, his laughter, even his tears._

 

_Every single day, without fail, Jae just finds something to love about Brian._

 

_Today, he loved Brian’s heartbeat._

 

_“I love you.” He whispered out of nowhere. The calm waves inside Brian’s chest roared and picked up its pace, as if strong winds were accompanying the waters. Jae couldn’t help but smile at that. Brian looked calm outside, his face was smiling, his hands never stopped carding their way through Jae’s hair._

 

_But Jae knew, Brian still felt the thrill Jae feels whenever those three words were uttered. It made him happy to know that he could still affect Brian this way, Brian who was the epitome of calm, cool, and collected._

 

_“I love you too, baby.” Brian whispered before kissing the side of his head._

 

_And just like Brian, Jae’s heart also skipped a beat._

 

_It was silent inside their apartment, this was the only day they both had a free time and normally it would be spent with so much ruckus (or moans if we’re being blunt about it). Initially, Jae had planned something fun outside, while Brian had dinner reserved at 7._

 

_It was already 6:59 pm, but the both of them couldn’t be bothered to get up. They found it was rather nice to have this kind of silence once in a while._

 

_Because this silence gave way to both of them hearing waves, and old records in each other’s heartbeats._

 

Jae shook his head, willing the memory to go away. He could feel the wetness form in his eyes but he refused to succumb to his emotions, not when Brian’s in the same room. Brian who looked like he was already sleeping based on the steady rise and fall of his shoulders.

 

He clutched his chest—his heartbeat was picking up, but unlike before wherein Jae likened it to the sea waves accompanied by strong winds.

 

Jae felt like this one was a tsunami, a high wall of water waiting to drown Jae. Waiting for the right time to crash and ruin everything in its vicinity.

 

A disaster waiting to happen.

 

“Goodnight, Bri.” Jae whispered into the stillness of the room, not expecting an answer anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why but i write pretty fast for this fic, maybe it's because i'm excited to write the ending i had in mind. if you all feel like it you can leave some comments and kudos, see you on the next update! enjoy reading!


	4. Because It Was Brian

Jae woke up to the rays of sunlight prying his eyes open. As someone who have always hated mornings, this immediately succeeded on ruining his mood.  _ Who even opened the damn window? _ He grabbed the pillow next to him but his hands came up empty. 

 

_ Oh, right. _

 

Jae wouldn’t wake up inside his cramped room like he expected to because he came along to the trip Wonpil forced on him,  _ right _ . All the memories from the day before came rushing back to him and it effectively woke him up, just like a cold bucket of water would do. He also didn’t have anything to grab a while ago because he gave Brian— 

 

_ Oh right, they roomed together. _

 

Jae rolled over and let out a groan on his pillow, his fist repeatedly banged on the empty space beside him. He could already feel the dread of having to face the younger once again. Add the fact that they now actually share a room which they haven’t done in months. 

 

No, Jae’s worries do not lie on having to put up with Brian’s shit. They’ve always been good together. Their harmony and dynamics fit well so Jae had no problem with that.

 

He had a problem however, with Brian’s lack of personal space. Living together with Brian for years taught Jae a lot of things, it also taught him a lot about the younger. 

 

Like the fact that Brian for all his love of eating, couldn’t cook edible meals. Or that he experiences more nightmares when it rains and would only calm down after Jae sang him to sleep. Or that he could live with just coffee for the day if Jae wouldn’t ask him if he already ate. Or that he would always walk out of the bathroom in just his towel because he refuses to bring a change of clothes with him. 

 

Jae had hoped that his hotel room could be his sort of escape when he and Brian inevitably fucks up something in the duration of their trip. But of course, things wouldn’t just go as smoothly as he had hoped.  _ He really should have fought more to room with Sungjin. _

 

“Jae, you awake?” Brian’s morning voice drifted through the air, he must have heard Jae’s pitiful groan. Jae couldn’t help but feel attacked because it’s unfair how  _ weak  _ he always felt against Brian’s deep voice. The younger became aware of this a few years into their relationship. Jae slipped up during one of the mornings wherein they were just too lazy to start their day. After that, he would always make sure to tease Jae a lot in the morning and for Jae that was both the worst and best moment of his life.

 

“Yeah, I just need a few more minutes.” He let out a deep sigh into his pillow before rolling over and sitting up, eyes open to take in the scene in front of him. 

 

Brian stood on their (god, it hurt to say that on a totally different context) mini kitchen, apron on with a spatula in his right hand. His back was facing Jae as he hummed along to whatever tune was in his head. Jae didn’t move, instead he let his eyes take in the scene in front of him, embedding it on his mind because god knew it could very well be the last time he would see Brian like  _ that. _

 

Like he still belonged to Jae, like he was still standing on their apartment screaming at him to wake the fuck up or Brian would throw a bucket of water on his face, like he was still the same guy who was the best at taking care of everyone but himself. 

 

Jae ignored the tears that formed at his eyes, the memories still fresh in his head. He quickly wiped them just in time because Brian turned around at the next second, a smile present on his face. 

 

“Apology breakfast? For being an asshole?” Brian showed him a plate of pancakes with scrambled eggs and bacon at the side. Jae really needed to stop his brain from conjuring up memories of the past because it hurt all the more to be in Brian’s presence and he had to be with Brian for a week so there’s that.

 

He gave Brian a small smile before gesturing towards the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and washed his face—he also might have gave himself a pep talk but that’s between him and the mirror. He walked out to the sight of the younger fixing the table and placing his and Jae’s plate on both ends.

The kitchen was facing the sliding door that leads to the balcony attached to their room and Brian opened the said door to let some of the sunlight and breeze in. Jae was breathless at the effortless way Brian managed to look like he did months ago (yes, the hair was different but his point stands) when he was preparing the same meal for Jae.

  
  


_ Jae woke up to kisses.  _

 

_ He opened his eyes upon feeling the numerous pecks peppered on the entirety of his face. He let out a giggle at Brian’s antics. _

 

_ “Baby, wake up.” The younger whispered, his voice deep and seductive. Jae wanted to smack the younger because he was using Jae’s weakness against him again. _

 

_ “Aren’t we supposed to be fighting? ‘No using your hoodie because you’re angry with me’ that sort of thing?” He replied with his hands on Brian’s cheek, trying to fix the younger’s eyes toward him. Brian stilled at that, his lips hovering just above Jae’s neck. The younger let out a sigh before facing Jae properly.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry I got mad at you but my jealousy really wasn’t misplaced. At first glance, I already knew that that guy was attracted to you.” Brian returned to kissing his neck and it was slowly getting to Jae because fuck Brian kisses well okay? _

 

_ “But he was a friend of a friend.” He decided not to give in to Brian’s kisses and pushed the younger away. It was really messy last night. Brian was really close to punching the guy off Jae when they had only been talking. He had been hurt because of the lack of trust between them but when the guy put his hand on Jae’s waist he knew it was really the time to get out of there before fists go flying. _

 

_ When they got home he and Brian argued for the duration of the night before Jae finally gave up and slept crying on the bed. Seconds later, Brian lied down beside him, arms wrapped around Jae’s waist. Jae was asleep before he could even hear Brian’s sorry. _

 

_ “I know. I’m sorry, baby. Are we good now?” Brian asked as he kept on sucking Jae’s neck like a starved man, his kisses drifting down to Jae’s collarbones. _

 

_ Jae couldn’t even think straight (pun intended) because of Brian’s lips. He wanted to talk about it a bit more because it had been so long since they last fought like that but yeah Jae’s kind of losing here. _

 

_ So he nodded before grabbing Brian’s face and kissing those fucking lips. Morning breath be damned. _

 

_ After a while Brian did pull away and hovered above Jae with a breathtaking smile on his face. He brushed the stray strands of hair that made its way in front of Jae’s face before fully sitting up and pulling Jae with him. _

 

_ Jae only watched as Brian busied himself in the kitchen. He couldn’t help but just stop and take this moment in. The way Brian’s figure moved around their kitchen as if he knew it by heart. The way it all looked so domestic and the way it made Jae’s heart fucking pound.  _

 

_ “Admiring the view?” Brian said as he flipped the eggs expertly, his other hand sitting on his waist. He briefly glanced at Jae, a smirk present on his face. Jae resisted the urge to just walk there and smother the younger with kisses. He rolled his eyes at Brian who only chuckled then returned his attention to the food before anything else burns inside their apartment.  _

 

Jae snapped out of it when Brian called him.

 

“I’m sorry what?” He asked, shaking his head to get rid of the memory that entered his mind. 

 

“I said, the food’s ready, hyung.” Brian repeated with a kind smile, placing Jae’s plate in front of him before pouring the both of them a glass of orange juice. It was oddly domestic and instead of putting a smile on Jae’s face like it used to, it broke his heart. 

 

This wasn’t domestic, this was just courtesy. It’s the same thing Wonpil would do if he pissed Jae off, or Dowoon when he would borrow Jae’s games without asking, or Sungjin if his nagging coincides with Jae’s bad day.

 

Nothing too special. He had to remember that.

 

“Thanks.” He replied, trying for a smile but he failed so he just grabbed the glass of juice and covered it up by drinking. Breakfast continued with silence for the most part, and Brian trying for a conversation but failing.

 

Jae hated small talks. But he hated it more when Brian’s the one who had to do that. 

 

“So how was your sleep?” Brian asked, cutting into the pancake he made before taking a bite. Jae did the same but he avoided the younger’s stare at all costs, fixing his eyes on the food in front of him.

 

“It was fine. How about yours?” He had to ask because Brian looked like he had a sleepless night, judging by the bags underneath his eyes. The younger chuckled and it made Jae look up. He had a smile on his face but it didn’t reach his eyes. Jae’s heart dropped at that.

 

“I’ve had better days.” Was Brian’s vague reply. The younger averted his eyes from Jae. He didn’t want to start prying now so he let it be, returning his attention back to the food in front of him.

 

He finished the meal before Brian so he excused himself to go and have a shower, itching to wash yesterday’s mess off his skin, the touches and all that. The good thing about this hotel was that they had a bathtub and Jae could already see himself using that on the following days—preferably without Brian in the room.

 

He went out of the bathroom few minutes later, with his hair still dripping and his towel slung around his neck. Before he could walk towards the kitchen, Brian’s voice stopped him from taking a step further. Jae didn’t mean to eavesdrop but the younger sounded upset.

 

“I don’t give a fuck. You’re not gonna make me do it.” Brian banged his fist on the table, hands merely inches away from breaking the glass in front of him. Jae flinched but he didn’t move despite his body screaming at him to go comfort the younger. 

 

“I. Won’t. Do. It. So you might as well stop calling me, dad.” That must have been the last straw because Brian ended the call and threw his phone on the couch (good decision, phones are pricey). He buried his head on his palms as he frustratingly ran his finger through his hair. Jae waited for a few minutes, just to let the younger have a few moments to himself, before walking towards Brian. He made sure that his steps were heavy so that he could get the younger’s attention.

 

“Hey, I’m done.” He stopped when he reached a reasonable distance. Brian looked up, eyes bloodshot but it held no tears. He tried to give Jae a smile but he failed. 

 

“You okay?” He asked. He didn’t expect an answer but before he could even stop himself, the question was already out of his mouth. It’s the years of caring for each other, that made Jae do it.

 

Also, the fact that Brian was arguing with his father irked Jae. Brian was the most familial person he ever met and that was due to his family being in another country. Jae remembered nights of Brian just crying in his arms because he was homesick so this was really a surprise. 

 

What exactly is happening to him?

 

“I’m fine.”  _ Ah, there it goes. _ The Brian Kang line. His answer to questions he actually didn’t want to answer. Jae expected it but that didn’t stop it from hurting. He was never on the receiving end until today.

 

“If you say so.” He said as he moved out of Brian’s way and onto the couch at the living room. He was seated and was going through the channels when the towel around his neck was tugged.

 

“You’re going to get sick if you don’t dry it fast.” That was the only warning he got before Brian started drying his hair, making sure to not do it too harshly because Jae didn’t like that. 

 

He didn’t know what to say or if he should stop Brian so he let it be until Brian deemed his hair dry enough. He fixed his eyes towards the tv, afraid that if he looked back at the younger, his hands and mouth would betray him. 

 

“Thank you.” He could his cheeks redden and his voice sounded small but Brian only let out a chuckle before walking away and finally closing the door to the bathroom. 

 

“Oh my fucking god.” He whispered as he buried his head on the nearest pillow. He was in the middle of his mental breakdown when the doorbell rang throughout the room. Jae perked his head up while Brian poked his head out of the bathroom. 

 

He hair was dripping wet and Jae had to quickly avert his eyes lest it wander elsewhere. 

 

“That must be Wonpil, he called a while ago saying he’ll swing by to inform us about the activities today.” The younger said, Jae just nodded, still without looking and ran towards the door. He opened the door and pulled Wonpil outside, fearing for his life if he had to stay and see Brian wet and  _ very _ much naked inside that room.

 

“Why are you red in the face?” Wonpil had a knowing smile on, he just glared at him before walking off to the nearest bench that littered the hallways. 

 

“Brian. Wet. Naked. I want death.” Was his short explanation. Wonpil laughed at that while Jae tried to get his shit together. 

 

“So, how was the first night together? Anything good?” The younger sat beside him, his figure facing Jae and he seemed excited as if he was about to get a fucking candy.

 

“Don’t get your hopes up, nothing happened and nothing will happen. Also, why didn’t you tell me there was only a single bed? You’re such a snake. Bri looked uncomfortable he barely had any sleep.” When he turned to look at Wonpil the younger looked shocked as well. So it must have been an honest mistake.

 

“Really? I’m sorry hyung, I didn't know. I could request for another bed if you like? Since you’re so concerned about _Bri_ and all that.” He smacked Wonpil at the back of his head, and was tempted to do it again when the younger tried to aegyo his way out of it. 

 

“Of course I am. He offered to stay on the couch while I felt comfortable on the bed.” His voice lowered down, suddenly aware that there’s only a door separating him from Brian.

 

“Really? Brian hyung did that? I mean no offense but even before when you were in a relationship he would fight  _ you  _ to death just so he could get the more comfortable side.” Wonpil mused. At his words, Jae remembered the  _ many _ times he and Brian fought because of beds on the trips Wonpil made them go to. 

 

_ Huh, Wonpil’s right _ .

 

“I’m sure it’s just courtesy.”  _ Brian seemed to be doing a lot of those. _ He brushed it off not wanting to feel any sort of hope inside him. It’s best to not start anything, and to not think about things too deeply—although he’s kind of failing at the latter part.

 

“If you say so, hyung.” Wonpil replied, his voice still confused but teasing at the same time. Jae let it be, not having the energy to fight with Wonpil just yet. 

 

Before the younger left for their room he told Jae that today’s activity just included an amusement park trip and of course he replied that it’s lame because only the couple would enjoy that but Wonpil told him no other interesting events happens until tomorrow so they would have to make do.

 

Honestly, Jae should have slept the day away.

 

He entered their room when Wonpil fucked off to get fucked (Jae hoped he’s kidding but he’s not, poor Sungjin who’s situated next to them).

 

Brian was sitting on the couch, hair thoroughly dried off, frowning on his phone. Jae really was curious about Brian’s family problem but he’s not in the right position to pry anymore.

 

“Hey.” He called the younger’s attention. Brian looked up and smiled at Jae—as if it was his instinct, and Jae admits it gets to him sometimes. There’s just always something about Brian’s smile that would paint a smile on your face as well. 

 

“Wonpil said we’re going to the amusement park today, heard they have great views when you ride the ferris wheel.” Wonpil didn’t really say the last part but Jae knew Brian’s love for taking pictures of views. The younger perked up, his previous annoyance gone as if it was never there in the first place. 

 

“Really? That’s great. When are we going?” He stood up to throw his towel on the basket at the far end of the room. 

 

“As soon as Wonpil gets fucked by Dowoon.” He replied. He and Brian stared at each other, emotionless—before breaking into laughter. Brian fell back to the couch while Jae had to support himself by hanging onto the back of the couch.  

 

“Why do you have to say it like that— Oh god—” Brian tried to get his words out amidst his laughter.

 

“Isn’t it normal at this point?” He replied, his laughters dying down. He wiped at the tears that formed at his eyes. Silence settled between the two, catching their breaths from laughing too hard. Brian was seated on the couch, while Jae was leaning on the back of the couch. 

 

Jae blamed his curiosity for what happened next.

 

“Bri, is everything okay with your family?” He glanced at Brian who looked at him with shock.  Jae wanted to take the words back, to unsee the pain that immediately filled Brian’s eyes, but he couldn’t and he blamed his mouth for that.

 

“You heard?” Brian asked, his eyes trained downwards, avoiding Jae’s gaze.

 

“I didn’t mean to— I’m sorry— It’s just you sounded upset—” He couldn’t finish any of his sentences. Brian sounded indifferent. It made him feel uncomfortable and insecure because he obviously had no right to meddle with Brian’s affairs anymore. God, he didn’t even know if they could be considered friends—because if yes, then friends could do this. But Jae, he was somewhere in the middle of all of those. 

 

“It’s none of your business, Jae. I’m okay.” He flinched at Brian’s tone. Cold. It’s like submerging deep into an ice cold water and then feeling numb at the next second. That’s what he felt like as reality came crashing down on him.

 

_ Not your business. _ Right.

 

“I’m sorry for asking.”  _ I’m sorry for caring _ . He said, turning away and walking towards his bed. Perhaps it’s better if they don’t talk unless they absolutely have to. Clearly he’s not saying anything right.

 

In the end, it’s always him who’s wrong.     

 

***

 

They both sticked unto doing their own shit up until Wonpil came barging into their room with Dowoon and Sungjin in tow. Jae wordlessly stood up from his bed and wore the pink sweater hanging by his closet, Brian on the other hand dragged Sungjin outside leaving the three inside their room.

 

“Hyung, everything alright?” Dowoon said as he and Wonpil walked towards him. Jae just smiled at them before ushering them out of the room. He noticed that the sun was already setting and it was a pretty view as the hues of pink and orange mix and matched on the sky. 

 

_ He _ ’d love this and would probably make Jae stand to take a picture of him with the view. 

 

“Wonpil, you ever heard something about Brian’s family? Are they having issues?” He asked out of nowhere, losing his brain to mouth filter once again. He mentally reprimanded himself, seeing as the two looked surprised and confused but now that the question was out, he needed an answer. 

 

“I don’t know much hyung, I’m sorry.” Wonpil said, his hand naturally wrapping around Dowoon’s while the younger looked too immersed in his thoughts.

 

“Dowoon?” He called, hoping to get some answer from the youngest. 

 

“I saw Brian hyung a while back, he was crying while he’s talking to his mother in front of his apartment. I didn’t want to pry because I didn’t even know he was back from Canada at the time but yeah. I never had the courage to ask him about that day, especially since he looked okay in our class next day.” Dowoon replied. 

 

Jae didn’t know about any of this. He didn’t know if it’s because he was too absorbed by his heart break but Brian was clearly going through something and as Brian’s ex-everything of course he still cared.  _ Fuck, what was the younger up to? _

 

“Thanks a lot for that, Dowoon. I’ll see what I can do about it.” He said, grateful for the information. Wonpil looked at him warily.

 

“Are you sure, Jae hyung?” 

 

“What do you mean? Clearly, Bri’s in some sort of problem with his family. I just want to help.” If his voice held the littlest bit of defensiveness in them, no one had to know. 

 

“I’m just looking out for you.” Wonpil replied. 

 

“And your way of _ looking out _ for me is by setting me up to a trip with him knowing that I’m clearly not over him?” The words were out of his mouth before he could even think about them. Wonpil took a step back, clearly hurt by Jae’s words. Dowoon glared at him and that made him realize how much of an asshole he was. Wonpil walked away before he could even say sorry.

 

“Believe it or not Jae hyung, there was a reason why Wonpil did this and you’re just figuring it out thanks to him. You didn’t have to be so mean about it.” Dowoon said, eyes downcast before he finally turned and walked away from Jae as well.

 

He fucked up. 

 

***

 

It was an awkward car ride with Jae seated in front, away from Wonpil who still looked hurt over Jae’s words. Sungjin kept on glancing at Brian who were quieter than usual, and then there’s Dowoon who alternated between glaring daggers at Jae and holding Wonpil close.

 

He needed to say sorry for being an asshole, and he needed to do it fast. 

 

God, this was a chaotic day.

 

As soon as they got to the amusement park, Jae grabbed Wonpil and walked with him to the side of the entrance, away from the three. 

 

“I’m sorry. It was just a frustrating morning, and I don’t know how to deal with Brian. I’m sorry I took it out on you, I appreciate your efforts but you must have at least known that I am not okay with this right?” He said it all in one go, knowing that if he didn't he wouldn’t have the guts to talk to the younger at all. 

 

Wonpil let out a sigh before nodding his head. 

 

“I’m sorry as well, I knew you would get mad at some point. I just didn’t expect the vicious words but clearly I should have.” Jae was about to say sorry again but Wonpil chuckled and that calmed him down.

 

“But are you seeing my point now hyung? There’s something happening with Brian hyung, and we need your help to  _ help _ him.” Wonpil had a smile on but it quickly turned sad upon seeing Brian just trailing after Dowoon and Sungjin who were too immersed in their own world.

 

“But I don't know how I’ll do this. Fuck, I could barely look at him without getting hurt.” Jae voiced out his deepest concern for this week. He  _ wanted _ to but was he the right person to go to? Because it already came from Brian, it’s not his business. 

 

“I’m sorry about that hyung.” Wonpil hugged him upon seeing the tears form at his eyes. God, on normal days Jae would push him away but he needed this today. 

 

***

 

Brian was distraught. 

 

They called again, even though he clearly expressed his disagreement. It was getting hard to do something you didn’t like, much less finish it. He didn’t know what would happen to him at this point but anything’s better than continuing on.

 

He just didn’t know he would have to sacrifice Jae along the way.

 

***

 

After his heartfelt moment (ew, no one should ever know about that) they all went inside and naturally the couple wandered off to do  _ couple-ey _ things. So that left Jae with Brian and Sungjin. It’s not bad, he and Sungjin talked about the rides they wanted to try and Brian butted in at random times but he was still quieter than normal and it irked Jae. 

 

“Should we eat first or do rides first?” He faced the two. 

 

“Rides!”

 

“Food!”

 

Sungjin and Brian answered different things and Jae wanted to smack himself because of course, the two had very different itineraries in mind. 

 

“I’m hungry, hyungs.” Brian said, adding a hint of aegyo in his voice to try and convince the two to come with him. Sungjin looked at him with distaste while Jae looked— well, of course he looked whipped. 

 

“Jae, your gay is showing.” Sungjin whispered beside him. He glanced at the other with shock on his face because when did Park Sungjin ever knew memes. The older just laughed while Brian looked confused at the whole exchange.

 

“So, since I hate Sungjin we’re going with food.” Brian pumped his fist in glee before skipping (yes, like a kid) towards the food stalls.

 

“Are you sure you don’t just love him too much?” Sungjin teased beside him, the elbow he received right after was totally worth it.

 

Brian ordered corndog for the three of them, paying before Jae or Sungjin could even offer. He was in a joyous mood, a complete 360 from his sulky state a while ago. It made Jae happy that the younger’s okay now but he was still concerned, he even forgot that he and Brian fought a while ago. 

 

After they ate, Sungjin pestered them to ride the roller coaster. Jae and Brian both looked at him warily because they all just finished eating a corndog, do they really want to vomit all over the place?

 

But in the end they did ride because Sungjin had the convincing powers of a puppy asking for food.

 

When it was their turn to mount the ride, Sungjin immediately ran to the booth with one person sitting which left Jae and Brian staring at each other, wondering where they fuck they should sit. 

 

Jae was just about to go to the seat behind Sungjin when Brian grabbed his hands and pulled them to the middle booth. 

 

“They said you feel the lesser impact when you’re in the middle, I know you’re not that good with heights.” Brian said, hands still wrapped around Jae’s wrist. He had no reply to that so he only nodded, averting his eyes away from the younger who still hadn’t let go. 

 

Jae didn’t fear heights but he always held Brian’s hand back when they used to go to amusement park for dates. He thought he’d never get the chance to do that again, but here he was clutching Brian’s hands as if his life depended on it.

 

The roller coaster wasn’t that scary in the first place and Brian must have known that because the younger wasn’t even screaming he was just laughing and smiling as the others who had weaker hearts screamed their lungs out. Meanwhile, Jae just used this moment to take a good look at Brian. 

 

He changed so much and it wasn’t something you’d notice at the first glance. How his smiles seemed a lot more brighter, or how his laughs were a little freer, or that even though he just had a sleepless night his eyes looked the happiest it has ever been. 

 

Jae didn’t know what to think of that. But one thought did come to his mind.

 

Maybe Brian was better off without him. Maybe Wonpil was right about something happening with Brian’s life but that Jae of all people shouldn’t meddle with it. 

 

Maybe it’s right to keep his distance. If the three wanted to know what Brian’s problems were, he’s sure they would find it out in the end. Brian wasn’t as thick headed as they all thought him to be. He was actually soft-hearted but he hated bothering others with his problem.

 

Jae would help, of course he couldn’t stop himself from doing that, but he’d only help enough to figure out the younger’s problems. The rest was up to the three while Jae would keep the distance Brian so desired from him—along with that was the feelings he just couldn’t let go of, not yet at least.

 

The ride did end soon and Jae let go of Brian’s hands as if it burned him. He didn’t look back as he dismounted the ride and waited for the two to get pass the streams of people. It was getting late and the night sky had stars in them, a rarity because of the smoke that filled the city. 

 

“Where’s Bob?” He asked as Brian walked towards him, clothes a bit of a mess because of the number of people he had to pass through. 

 

“I don’t know, should we wait for him?” Brian asked, eyes wandering towards the steadily emptying ride. Did Sungjin just fucking ditch them?

 

“Nah, he probably ditched us. Where to next?” He asked. Brian’s eyes wandered to the ferris wheel behind Jae. 

 

“Can we ride that,  _ hyung _ ?” Jae felt hurt. He didn’t know why but something about the way Brian said the word hyung made him feel pain because the younger sounded so small. So vulnerable and for entirety of their friendship, Brian had never sounded as weak as he did just now.

 

“Okay.” Jae said, nodding before holding Brian’s hand. He didn’t know what spurred him to do that, probably Brian’s voice, or Brian’s eyes, or just Brian himself. But Jae held Brian’s hands like how he used to when they were together, each finger linked together, tight as if he didn’t want to let go. 

 

They waited in line like that, and when they were let inside a booth they didn’t let go of each other’s hand even though they were asked to sit apart. 

 

It was quiet inside for the first few minutes. They just stared at the lights below them, hands still joined. 

 

“I’m sorry about how I answered your question back at the hotel room.” Brian broke the silence. Jae masked his shock by nodding and just squeezed at Brian’s hands to let the younger know that he was listening. 

 

“I didn’t want to burden you.” The younger continued. Jae didn’t answer because he knew Brian needed to let the words out in one go.

 

“I want to tell you, so bad. I just don’t know how. I’m scared that telling you makes it all true. I don’t know how to tell you, Jae. It’s a lot more than just family problem. I’m sorry.” Brian said, voice getting quieter as his words continued on. Jae felt confused but at the same time he understood. He didn’t know how or why but maybe it’s because he’s not ready to hear it as well. For all his demands for Brian’s reason, saying it makes everything final and true.

 

“You don’t have to tell me.” He replied when he figured Brian had nothing to say anymore.

 

“Not today at least. Just someday.” He continued, holding onto Brian’s hands tight. The tears that formed at his eyes didn’t fall but they were there, blurring everything into a mess of figures.

 

“Okay, someday.” Brian replied, squeezing his hand, looking out to the window as well. 

 

“What do we do to survive this trip, Bri?” Jae had to ask. Of course he had to. 

 

“It’s asshole of me to ask you this. But can we please act just like how we used to?” Brian stared at him, his eyes held all the seriousness which immediately made Jae hold off the what the fuck that was supposed to come out of his mouth.

 

“How we used to? You mean boyfriends? Are you insane Bri?” He tried to let go of Brian’s hands but the younger held it tight. His eyes never wavering from Jae’s.

 

“Yes. Can we, please?” Brian looked so close to crying. God, it broke Jae’s heart.

 

“Are you seriously playing with me right now? Is this a joke?” Jae’s voice was slowly rising and the tears from his eyes finally fell. Wow, it felt like shit to be made fun of. 

 

“No, no, no. Don’t cry. I’m not making fun of you. Shhh—don’t cry, love.” Brian knelt before him, holding Jae’s face in his hands, he wiped at the tears that kept on spilling from Jae’s eyes, kissing some of them away.

 

“What are you trying to do, Bri?” Jae asked, resigned because it was getting harder to understand how Brian’s mind worked.

 

“I want to be with you again. That’s all.” Brian was now hugging him, his head resting on Jae’s neck.

 

“Then why not be with me all the way?” He asked. 

 

“Because I can’t.” The younger replied. Jae wanted to get angry. He wanted to throw Brian off this damn cart, but he couldn’t because it’s Brian.

 

He knew that the three (and even the future Jae) would reprimand him for this but,

 

“Okay.” He broke the silence. He could feel Brian smiling at his neck, before a kiss was dropped there. 

 

“Okay.” Brian replied. 

 

Because it was Brian, Jae would take all he could get even if it was just for a week.

 

_ Because it was Brian _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry wow this took a long time but i really had a slump and i left this at 2k and just had the inspiration to finish it today. i hope you all enjoy reading this, comments and kudos are very much appreciated. thank you for waiting.


	5. The Selfish And The Selfless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will they ever figure it out?

When they dismounted the ride, the air got significantly different. The vibe around them changed and the fact that they were still holding hands added to the confusion that settled like dust around them.

 

Just what the hell did Jae got himself into?

 

Three months and a few days ago he was convincing himself that holding onto Brian was something that’s not going to do him any good. He was on his way to convincing himself that moving on was the right option— and it was.

 

But _that_ just happened and everything got thrown out of the window. And he meant that _literally_.

 

“So,” he said as they walked past the booths, just wandering around for the past few minutes. Brian looked good against the blur of lights when Jae spared him a glance— he looked elated and it’s a good look on the younger.

 

“What now?” He continued. They both stilled at that, the weight of the question hanging above them. But then Brian turned to look at him, a smile on his face.

 

“Now, we go play games. Think you could win me a bear in exchange for the one I got you before?”

 

His mind brought him to the many memories of them having dates inside an arcade or an amusement park, they have always felt at home amongst all the lights and the noise.

 

But Jae knew what particular memory Brian was talking about.

 

Jae snapped out of it when Brian tugged him towards a booth that had a shooting range. The younger paid for one game before Jae could even make sense about what just happened.

 

This wasn’t exactly the answer he had in mind but he guessed it would do. Too much drama in a day would kill him.

 

“Please, it’s a piece of cake.” He replied, lips tugged up to a smirk. Brian just laughed at him before handing him the pellet gun.

 

The goal was to hit a bottle and have it fall down, and Jae knew how this worked, usually the bottles were heavy or placed strategically so that the shooter won’t be able to hit it and would end up spending tons of money for the booth.

 

But he’d try his damn best for this, only because his pride was on the line and not because Brian looked like a child waiting for his cotton candy. Nope.

 

Three games in and Jae was ready to give up. Knowing how it worked definitely didn’t help his case because he had the worst aim. Brian was steadily cheering for him, laughing occasionally when Jae felt so frustrated he was about to throw the gun itself.

 

“Go baby!” Brian cheered. Jae almost dropped the gun with how his heartbeat increased dramatically.

 

_Good God, it felt good to hear that again._

 

Apparently, that was all the cheering he needed because upon firing his last shot the bottle finally fell. The two jumped around in glee and hugged each other before they could even think about it.

 

Not that they still have to think about it, they’re back together now. _Well, Brian’s terms of “together”_.

 

“Go pick a stuffed toy.” He told Brian. The younger surprised him by picking two small stuffed toys instead of the bigger ones, a fox and a chicken. Jae wanted to laugh because it reminded him of that specific time Brian was talkin about a while ago, when the two of them went on a particular amusement park date.

 

He picked the same thing.

 

_“Seriously, could you be any more cliche than this?” Brian was laughing as he tugged Jae towards the entrance, he looked all too happy to be here, his eyes sparkling with excitement._

 

_“It’s been too long since we went to one. I missed the rides.” Brian winked at him before going to the counter and settling the fees for their tickets._

 

_Jae only chuckled as he muttered,_

 

_“Child at heart.”_

 

_After a while, Brian gestured for him to follow because they were getting their wrist straps. As soon as it was done though, the younger pulled him (Jae swears if this wasn’t Brian he would never let himself be “pulled” like this) inside and into the booths section of the amusement park._

 

_“Pick a game.” They stopped in the middle of the lined booths, all with different twists and tricks. Jae just looked at the excited man(child) beside him before chuckling, amusement (ha!) filling him._

 

_He did look though and that fox teddy bear by the end of the lined booths looked exactly like Brian so he pointed to that one._

 

_“There, that spinning one with all the bottles and stuff.” Brian laughed at him._

 

_“How eloquent, American boy.” The younger jogged off towards the booth, not even waiting for Jae who was just about to protest because of Brian’s statement._

 

_“If I win this one, do I get a kiss?” Brian cheekily said as he got ready with the rings in his hands._

 

_Jae only rolled his eyes before grabbing the younger by his nape and dropping a kiss on his lips._

 

_“Know what? You get more than a kiss if you get me that stuffed Younghyun over there.” Jae said with a smirk on his lips. He took a step back, feeling smug as he rendered the younger speechless._

 

_Brian didn’t say anything but Jae knew it got the younger riled up more than ever because his grip on the rings was a telltale sign._

 

_“Get it, Bribri.” Jae cheered._

 

_And as usual, because he was Brian Kang. He got all the rings in, much to the seller’s surprise, and he got two stuffed toys. Brian picked the fox one Jae wanted and added a chicken one with glasses._

 

_“This one looks like you.” Brian said, amused as he held the stuffed toy beside Jae. He only rolled his eyes before getting the fox one on Brian’s other hand._

 

_“Yeah, that joke never gets old.” Jae said, clutching the fox one at his face level._

 

_“So, what should I name you, stuffed one.” He hummed as he tried to think of a name for the Brian reincarnated toy._

 

_He sneaked a look at the younger who was taking a selfie with the Jae lookalike in his hands, laughing as he typed out a caption that’s probably mocking Jae._

 

_“I know just what to name you.” He whispered to the toy. He walked towards the younger and tapped his shoulder. When Brian looked back Jae held the toy in front of him,_

 

_“Meet Kke.” Jae said, a teasing smile on his lips._

 

_“Kke?” Brian questioned. Jae only chuckled before holding the younger’s hands and dragging him away from the booths before they spend all their money again trying to sate Bri’s competitiveness._

 

_“Remember that stage name you had back when you played bass in highschool?” He replied._

 

_“Hyung! I told you to forget that.” Jae only laughed as he heard Brian whining behind him._

 

_“Okay, Young K.” Jae laughed harder as Brian’s protest got louder. One simply does not forget such thing, it's blackmail worthy._

 

_“Okay then I’m naming him, Jje.” Brian said as he clutched the chicken stuffed toy on his other hand._

 

_“I have no problems with that. Just don’t go replacing me with that horrible chicken version of me.” He squeezed Brian’s hand as he looked back to give the younger a smile._

 

_“Maybe I will. At least this chicken won’t go reminding me of my horrible past.”_

 

_“You’re dramatic.” Jae replied, holding Kke close to his chest._

 

_“You’re a nightmare.” Brian replied with a smile,_

 

_“But I love you.”_

 

“Again?” Was Jae’s reply as Brian handed him the fox one. This time around they were small enough to use as keychains. Brian tied his chicken one to his phone and Jae did the same with the fox one.

 

“Now we got smaller versions.” Brian moved his gaze from his phone to Jae.

 

“You kept Jje?” He asked as Brian held his hands, walking around aimlessly again.

 

“Of course. What about Kke?” Jae smiled as Brian frowned while saying the stuffed fox’s name. He never did come to like it.

 

“Yeah, he’s in America though.” Silence filled them as Jae said the sentence. Brian didn’t ask but Jae had a feeling the younger knew just what Jae meant by sending the stuffed fox to America.

 

Staring at it everyday after he and Brian broke up was too much so when his mom came to visit he asked her to bring Kke back home.

 

After that, they settled with the silence. Occasionally pointing out stuff people did just for the laughs.

 

They were just wandering around, hands held tight with Brian leading the way. Jae was deep in his thoughts mainly because of how natural and seamless it seemed to go back to how they used to be, when they came to a stop.

 

Jae lifted his head and was faced by the park’s carousel.

 

Jae was frozen, mesmerised by the simple beauty the carousel had.

 

There was nothing special about it, it looked like every other carousel. The spinning horses, the bright lights, and the boisterous laughter of the children.

 

But Jae’s heart stuttered at the memory he’s come to associate with carousels in general.

 

Brian squeezed his hand as if to let him know that he knew exactly what Jae was thinking about at that moment.

 

_“Why the fuck are we on a kid’s ride, Bri?” Jae couldn’t contain the laughter inside him as Brian immediately put his hand on Jae’s mouth at the mention of the”f”word._

 

_“There are kids around, hyung.” Brian laughed at him, eyes wide as he looked around. The mothers that were accompanying their children on the ride were glaring at them._

 

_“Shi—shoot, sorry.” Jae said, head bowed as he avoided the intense stares sent their way._

 

_“God, you’re so annoying.” Brian told him as he stood there, his hands on Jae’s waist as the older sat on one of the too small horses that were probably not meant for someone their age._

 

_“But you love me.” Jae said with confidence, moving his face closer to Brian as if to prove his point._

 

_Damn. Brian looked ethereal up close, his eyes sparkled as they reflected back the lights from the carousel, his lips red as he kept on biting on them to muffle his laughter. And again, damn because he shouldn’t be having these thoughts about his bestfriend. Jae looked away, hiding his blushing face from Brian._

 

_“I do.” He froze at that, eyes wide but he refused to look back at Brian._

 

_‘No brain, that didn’t sound any different from when he would tell you he loves you. It’s a bestfriend thing.’_

 

_He tried to convince himself and he was just about to reply with something cheeky but Brian’s hand gently resting on his finally made him look back._

 

_“I love you, Jae.” Brian told him and although his smile was a bit unsure, his eyes were the most honest they’ve ever been. It almost scared Jae— no, shit it definitely scared him._

 

_“Wait, what?” Jae said, clearly disoriented. Okay fuck, there’s a confession happening. Shit, fuck. Brain please function._

 

_Brian chuckled as he lowered his head._

 

_“I said I love—” Brian held his hands tighter, intertwining his fingers with Jae’s._

 

_“Fuck wait, don’t repeat it.” Jae said in panic, pulling his hand away from Brian to raise them as if to stop the younger from uttering any more words._

 

_Shit's nothing's going right._

 

_He felt the mothers around them simultaneously glare at him for letting out a profanity but Jae couldn’t be bothered because Brian took his sentence the wrong way._

 

_The younger looked shock and defeated as he kept his hands to himself._

 

_“Oh… I-I’m sorry then.” Brian whispered and just as he finished the words, the ride came to a stop. The younger immediately went down and walked towards the exit without waiting for Jae, rushing amongst the amount of people walking outside._

 

_Jae was too surprised to even process what the hell happened, all he knew was that he fucked up so he tried to catch up to Brian._

 

_Jae found him near the exit, and held Brian’s hands just in time to stop him from taking a cab back home._

 

_“Shit Bri, wait please.” Jae tried to catch his breath, resting his hands on his knees when he figured Brian won’t be moving or facing him anytime soon._

 

_“You got it wrong.” He whispered, standing up straight. Brian didn’t say anything, his back still facing Jae._

 

_“Please look at me.” Jae said, his voice weak and god he felt like an asshole. He was too caught up in his own feelings that he forgot what it would translate like to Brian._

 

_When Brian did face him, Jae didn’t expect the tears but fuck it made him feel even shittier._

 

_‘Great, I made the kindest person on earth cry. What does that say about me?’_

 

_“Brian.” He whispered, and before he could stop himself he walked towards the younger and wrapped him in a hug._

 

_“I’m so sorry.” Jae said, feeling the tears well up in his eyes. “I was too shocked and fuck I didn’t know what to say but now I do. I love you too.” He loosened the hug to plant a kiss on Brian’s tear stained cheeks before moving closer and tightening the embrace once again._

 

_“Stop, you don’t have to say it back.” Brian told him as he tried to get out Jae’s hold. Jae expected the younger’s reaction to be this way and he hates himself for planting doubt in Brian’s mind._

 

_“No, please believe me. I swear Brian Kang, I love you. Believe me.” Jae held the younger by his shoulders and made their eyes meet. Brian avoided his gaze at first but Jae held his chin to guide Brian’s eyes back to his._

 

_“I love you, Brian.” Jae said, his voiced laced with vulnerability. “And I’m sorry for reacting that way but fuck you can’t just say that out of nowhere and not expect me to be a blushing mess.”_

 

_Brian didn’t say anything as he kept on staring at Jae, eyes searching the older's. His tears stopped falling but Jae still didn’t know what was going on his mind._

 

_“Bri?” He prompted the younger. Jae wasn’t ready for Brian’s reply though._

 

_The younger grabbed him by his waist and nape and planted a kiss on Jae’s lips, this time around Jae didn’t let the shock take over him for a long time because he was kissing Brian back seconds after their lips met._

 

Carousel brings Jae the memory of how everything between them came to be.

 

And this time, he felt what Brian was trying to insinuate by coming here.

 

It’s the younger’s way of solidifying their relationship, whatever this said relationship entails.

 

“Let’s go?”

 

And that, that was Brian’s final question, his final reassurance that Jae’s in this as much as he is.

 

Jae raised his gaze and met the younger’s insecure eyes. He smiled at him before tugging Brian towards the ride.

 

“Let’s go.”

 

They both had a smile on their faces as they walked towards the entrance. The ride was empty because it was minutes before the closing time and they were the only ones in the last batch. Damn, for a group of people who didn’t really like going into these places, they sure took their time wandering around.

 

When they got inside, Jae picked a white horse and just like before Brian just stood beside him, his hands wrapped around Jae’s waist.

 

“I feel like a kid.” He laughed as he leaned back, away from Brian and waved his hands in the air. The younger only chuckled at him steadying Jae by his grip on the older’s waist.

 

“You look like it.” Brian replied, walking away when he deemed Jae safe and was not falling anytime soon.

 

Jae didn’t know what took over him but he went down the horse and held Brian’s hand before the younger could further step away to roam the carousel.

 

“Don’t walk away.” He said. Jae sounded weak, panicked and it didn’t sit well with him. He’s come to associate Brian’s back with sad things and it started when the younger broke up with him.

 

Walking away after he uttered the words that completely shattered Jae.

 

Brian looked back in shock and pain but he immediately masked it with a smile, walking towards Jae and hugging him, his chin resting on the older’s shoulder.

 

“Okay, I won’t.” He tightened his hold and this prompted Jae to return the hug, his arms wrapping around Brian’s shoulder.

 

“Okay.” He replied.

 

It was one of his weak moments but he’s glad Brian just went along with him. He’s starting to think that maybe this wasn’t that bad after all.

 

***

 

“There you ar—” Wonpil’s voice faltered as Jae and Brian walked towards them, hand held in each other’s grasp.

 

Jae sensed their confusion and he was just about to let go of Brian’s hand but the younger held it tighter, giving Jae a reassuring smile before returning his gaze to the three in front of them.

 

Dowoon had his mouth open, Wonpil’s eyes were masked with confusion and Sungjin couldn’t take his eyes off the two’s intertwined hands.

 

Yep, Jae will definitely be bombarded by questions later. Depending on who finds him first.

 

“Time to go home?” Brian broke the silence, tugging Jae along as he walked closer towards the others.

 

“Uh… Oh, yeah!” Wonpil shook his head as if to rid himself of the shock that took over him. Jae didn’t meet anyone’s gaze as they all mounted the red truck.

 

Wonpil offered to drive because Sungjin said he was sleepy so naturally that puts Dowoon in the passenger seat. The three of them sat at the back with Sungjin on the other window seat, Brian in the middle and Jae on the opposite end.

 

Dowoon was in charge of music but since it was Wonpil’s phone who was connected to the speaker, Troye Sivan’s I’m so tired was the song playing.

 

Not too long after, the voices and the beats lulled Jae to sleep, his head falling on Brian’s shoulder.

 

***

 

Brian softly smiled at the elder beside him as Jae’s head collided with his shoulder. Their hands were still intertwined and Jae’s hand didn’t loosen its grip even though he’s now sleeping.

 

Upon returning his gaze on the road his eyes met Wonpil’s when he fleetingly looked at the rear view mirror. Everyone else was asleep inside except for him and Wonpil so he found it’s best to say it now.

 

“Thank you, Pillie-ah.” He said, letting a melancholic smile grace his face. Wonpil only nodded and Brian thought the younger would leave it at that but of course he didn’t.

 

“This is cruel. What you’re both doing is cruel, Brian hyung.” Wonpil whispered. His eyes returning to the road in front of him, although Brian could still see the tears that formed in Wonpil’s eyes.

 

Yes, it was cruel. But Brian would take cruel over nothing.

 

“I know.” Was his only answer.

 

“I don’t know if I did the right thing by granting you this trip, hyung.” Wonpil voiced out his concern. Brian, too, felt sorry that he had to subject Wonpil to this. To be the only one aware of Brian’s situation. But he had to do something— one last thing before it all.

 

“I’m sorry, Wonpil.” Brian tightened his grip on Jae’s hands, his head lowered so as to not let the younger see his weakness because he knew Wonpil won’t be able to stop himself from crying if he saw Brian close to tears too.

 

“Don’t be. But he’s starting to wonder you know? You’re gonna have to tell him sooner or later. You know I’m on your side but I don’t want to see Jae hyung hurt and with your situation right now, I see no other end.” Wonpil was frowning.

 

Brian understood the younger’s frustration because that’s exactly the reason why he left in the first place.

 

He thought it was easier, but clearly it wasn’t. He came running back after three months.

 

“I’ll tell him. Someday.” He remembered his and Jae’s conversation in the ferris wheel. ‘ _Yeah, someday.’_

 

“What? When it’s time to leave again?” Wonpil’s voice raised a bit. Brian spared him a glare, shushing him so as to not wake the rest.

 

“It’s hard okay? There’s no easy way around this, Pil. It’s hard to let go of Jae but it’s also hard to keep him. Not in my situation.” He sounded defeated. Brian knew he was making up reasons. He’s projecting his fear of the future into his and Jae’s relationship. He’s being selfish by keeping Jae in his side until the very last minute but fuck,

 

_‘Can’t I at least have this… before it all comes down to shit?’_

 

“Fucking choose, Brian. Don’t drag him around like this. It’s unfair.” He knew that it was Wonpil’s concern for the older that’s talking but for someone who grew up with Brian, he’s a bit hurt that Wonpil’s just seeing Jae’s side of things.

 

He chose not to reply and instead just rested his head on top of Jae’s, hands playing with the older’s fingers.

 

“I’m sorry.” Wonpil said after a few seconds of silence settled between them.

 

“It’s okay. I’m the bad guy here, I understand.” He replied with a smile even though all he really wanted to do was cry to someone about how unfair his fucking life was.

 

But Brian’s in no position to do so. He’s going to see the end of this acting this way.

 

“No, hyung I—” Wonpil tried but Brian just shook his head and chuckled good naturedly.

 

“It’s okay, drop it.”

 

And Wonpil did. After a while, they reached the hotel. The two woke Sungjin and Dowoon up but Brian insisted on not waking Jae up. He knew Jae must be tired and he didn’t want to risk the older not falling asleep after they would wake him so he carried the older, bridal style up their room.

 

He asked Sungjin to open the door for them and laid the blue haired guy on the bed, a smile making its way on his face as Jae immediately curled on the right side of the bed (as usual).

 

Brian walked Sungjin out but not before thanking the older, for all his help and for staying by Brian’s side (although all he really did was nag at Brian).

 

When he returned inside their room he heard Jae mumbling and he couldn’t help but chuckle at that. He walked closer and removed the older’s shoes so that he could comfortably sleep on his bed.

 

“Bribri.” Jae whispered. Brian stilled at that, glancing at the older to see if he woke up.

 

But of course, that was just Jae sleep talking. He shook his head and laughed at himself.

 

After removing the older’s shoes and tucking him properly, Brian stood and just stared at Jae for a moment.

 

He looked peaceful and untouchable— like nothing could hurt him at that moment. And Brian— he wishes it would always stay that way.

 

But he knew it was only a wishful thinking for he’s the one that’s going to break Jae’s heart when this week ends. He’s going to be that asshole, and nothing hurt more than that fact.

 

“Goodnight, Jaejae.” He whispered as he left a kiss on Jae’s forehead.

 

He washed himself up and settled on the couch, already knowing that he’s going to have another restless night.

 

***

 

“Goodnight, Brian.” Jae finally whispered when he heard Brian’s breath steadying. His eyes finally opened to let out the tears he’s been holding back since the car ride.

 

So Brian’s going to leave again.

 

He heard it come out of Wonpil’s mouth and fuck this was his chance to save himself from the tremendous pain it’s going to bring him.

 

But he couldn’t fucking get himself to push Brian away.

 

He just couldn’t. He couldn’t bear to be selfish when it’s Brian at the end of the bargain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what else to say other than i'm so sorry for this late update. thank you for still reading the fic and again, i'm sorry for making you all wait.
> 
> do comment if you have some idea on what brian's problem really is. also, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. thank you and enjoy reading.


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